Debbie Maken: The Hurt of Protracted Singleness
"Protracted singleness is perhaps one of the most hurtful things a single person will have to tolerate during adulthood."
(Debbie Maken "Getting Serious About Getting Married - Rethinking the gift of singleness")
(Debbie Maken "Getting Serious About Getting Married - Rethinking the gift of singleness")
posted by Captain Sensible at 11:37 PM
6 Comments:
It really is. And when you do embark on a relationship that doesn't work out - especially when you are no longer young - it is painful almost beyond endurance.
And people are daring to call this whole business a "gift" from God?
What a misrepresentation!
It's scary how this has taken hold of the church. Makes it a very unpleasant place to be at times. Made worse of course by people who have no idea of the pain it causes, bleating about contentment. Like my ex-pastor, who got married at 19 and said "Singleness? Singleness isn't a problem is it?" Ha! Oh yeah, another classic was when he was talking in general about rejection and he said with a wry smile that he was rejected once by a girl in school when he was about 13 I think, and he remembered how painful that was, ho hum.
Honestly, is it essential that we still go to church? "Church" is just a body of believers, right? So maybe if church becomes too painful for single women, they should just meet together, pray together, sing worship songs together, listen to a sermon on the internet or TV, and then outreach - to men, in the world, who may become their husbands?
Ok, I am not really saying that women should avoid church. But if going to church only makes you angry...maybe it's a time for "doing church" a different way?
And then when you are settled with a believing husband, maybe then you can go back to traditional "church" and both of you can start kicking ass to make church a better place! ;-)
Whaddyfink?
It's not just the people who have no idea of the pain of protracted singleness, who spew out platitudes about contentment.
There are people who felt agonized over being single, got married, and then have the gall to tell single people to learn to be content.
I'm 28 and have been single since I was 19, minus about 3 months when I was about 27.
Yes, my singleness is painful sometimes. But i'm tired of bellyaching about it! And it's certainly not the most painful thing I've EVER endured! That distinction would go to one of several of the following events; the death of my mom when I was 19, watching a friend's husband die of cancer, or the death of my grandmother in my early twenties. i guess it's all in what happens to you.
The other thing I think that is that singleness is only so terrible when you're in it alone. I have a large group of single friends. When I isolate myself and foucs on my situation, yeah, I get sad. But when i focus on my God and my friends and my family and how to make this world more like God's kingdom, singleness becomes less important.
Singleness is a problem that requires prayer and attention, yes. But hell? I think not. The worst thing ever? I definitely think not.
Anonymous: You said "I'm 28".
At your age, I can see that singleness may be something that gets you a bit down at times - bring out the chocolate and the girlie mates! ;-)
But it is a very different story at, say 38, when you see your hopes of having children and a family of your own disappearing.
Or at 48, when you have to go through the menopause alone, never have had what your body was designed for.
When you find yourself waiting and waiting for the next "season" of life to begin, but it doesn't and you feel like you're living in some limbo-land and completely out of synch emotionally with your physical age.
In your 20s, singleness is not such a big deal, and I am sorry that I have not made it clear that this blog is aimed at addressing protracted singleness and those who are determined to see that another generation does not suffer at the hands of false teachers.
There is also the issue of a lack of men in the church.
You share some examples of death.
Should you remain single for much longer, you may come to understand that protracted singleness is a form of slow, lingering death, that hits at the very core of a woman's being. Barrenness is very painful, and so is the kind of loneliness that comes from decades without the spouse nearly all of us were designed to have, and a form of loneliness sets in that simply cannot be solved by any amount of friends, extended family, community in general, or service activities.
I hope it doesn't come to that. And that is why, although everyone needs to sound off once in a while and this is a safe place to do it, this blog is not about "bellyaching" at all. It is about not sugar-coating singleness but seeing it for what it is, and determining to do something about it for the present and future generations, AND FOR THE SAKE OF THE KINGDOM!
The idea that singleness is a personal issue is utterly unbiblical. We have a creation mandate to fulfil, a relationship between God and His bride that we need to reflect to the world. Protracted singleness is in opposition to that and that is why it is a reflection of hell, and the further you look into it, you can see a myriad of benefits to the enemy from it.
In my opinion, your view serves not the Kingdom of God, but the other place.
I hope you continue to read this blog, as you have a lot to learn. Better to learn it from here than to experience it yourself.
Quit the superior attitude and remember what 1 John 3:17 says: "But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?"
On announcing her engagement in church, one woman went up to Debbie Maken and said "I guess you can put your pen down now".
She was as misguided as you are.
Much work has been done. Much more work is still to do!
To the writer of this blog... thank you SO very much for such an understanding and inspiring point of view. I too am 28 years old and unlike the earlier writer, I am completely feeling the sadness, despair, aggravation, torture, frustration and numbness of being single. It is not so much that I want "someone" or just want to be "in love", but I do more than anything in this world, want a man that I am in love with to be in love with me and want to spend the rest of his life with me. Unrequited love is absolutely one of (if not the most) painful things I have ever gone through. I have experienced it twice already, and I am desperately hoping that I won't experience it again. I fear sometimes that perhaps this pain is a thorn in my side that God refuses to heal, and that my joy in my job (I'm a teacher) should fulfill the emptiness I feel over not having a husband or children of my own. Please pray for me that my dreams will come true. Thank you so much!
Dear Anonymous Teacher - My heart goes out to you. More importantly, God's heart goes out to you.
You probably know this already, but remember to try and keep busy and go out as much as you can. Friends and activities cannot fill the gap that God designed to be filled only by a spouse, but they can serve as a distraction from the pain in the meantime. You may need a time of healing first, but also, when you are ready to date again, please don't limit potential husbands to the men in "church circles" only. There are many believing, decent men with a heart of gold, in the world that would love to be blessed by having a strong Christian woman as his wife, and you can help him become a champion!
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