Important New Principles of Christianity!
Frieda Fruitcake writes: I feel the Spirit moving in my waters, and prompting me to bring you some fundamentals of contemporary Christianity (and to illustrate how times have moved on from the bad old days of the early church!).
So here are some important "do's and don'ts" that should serve as a reminder of the duties of the contemporary Christian life.
1) Do attend any Christian book-related course that is offered. Not only will this give you the chance to sit comfortably in someone else's sitting room (drinking tea that someone else has made! Always a joy!), but more importantly, it will keep you away from the unwashed heathens outside of our precious holy huddles!
2) Encourage church leaders to continue to drone on with unchallenging sermons that couldn't have taken more than five minutes to prepare, and from which any hint of passion has been surgically removed. This gives them plenty of free time in the week to attend meetings with similarly stupefied church leaders (more blessed holy huddles!) and we can catch up on some much needed sleep at 11.00 on a Sunday morning!
3) Under no account share your faith with anyone. If it is God's will that they be saved, then leave it to God! He is sovereign! Does God need your help?
4) In the unfortunate event that you do slip up and share your faith, make sure that it is with either a woman or a child. Reaching out to men is strictly prohibited under the New Christianity of the 20th and 21st century.
5) Under no circumstances must you do anything other than "talk the talk". Offering practical help of any nature to anyone in the world is a sin that will result in eternal damnation. If Christians are accused by a heathen of "being all talk", then never dream of apologising and asking them for forgiveness. Rather, praise God that the Kingdom is saved from a sinner, and simply walk away. That is the only Godly thing to do. After all, the Bible tells us that faith with works is dead (although this was wrongly translated previously).
6) Always listen to, and follow the example of, more mature Christians. After all, they have successfully alienated a whole generation of sinners from the Kingdom, and this good work must be allowed to continue unhindered into the next generation too. God has placed it on my heart to warn of the dangers of over-population in heaven, so we must humbly follow their good example and, by the grace of God, the decreasing percentage of church-goers in the United Kingdom will continue to shrink.
7) Remember that using wisdom is strictly prohibited! Idiotic stupidity is to be praised, as only by showing the world how out of touch with reality Christians are, is God glorified! What a testimony disengaging your brain is to your trust in God!
8) When in holy huddles, take care to denigrate marriage at every opportunity. Encourage any stubborn men that refuse to leave the church to be eunuchs and praise them for it, and always be vigilant in disciplining the single women that desire marriage and a family. The concept of the family has now run its course. Thanks be to God!
9) Should a single woman aged 28 or over decide to give her life to Christ, take care she renounces her hopes of being a wife and mother, along with renouncing the kingdom of Satan.
10) Finally dear sisters and last remaining brother, keep praying for all the saints! That way you need never do anything that involves thinking or getting your hands dirty!
Praise the Lord!
So here are some important "do's and don'ts" that should serve as a reminder of the duties of the contemporary Christian life.
1) Do attend any Christian book-related course that is offered. Not only will this give you the chance to sit comfortably in someone else's sitting room (drinking tea that someone else has made! Always a joy!), but more importantly, it will keep you away from the unwashed heathens outside of our precious holy huddles!
2) Encourage church leaders to continue to drone on with unchallenging sermons that couldn't have taken more than five minutes to prepare, and from which any hint of passion has been surgically removed. This gives them plenty of free time in the week to attend meetings with similarly stupefied church leaders (more blessed holy huddles!) and we can catch up on some much needed sleep at 11.00 on a Sunday morning!
3) Under no account share your faith with anyone. If it is God's will that they be saved, then leave it to God! He is sovereign! Does God need your help?
4) In the unfortunate event that you do slip up and share your faith, make sure that it is with either a woman or a child. Reaching out to men is strictly prohibited under the New Christianity of the 20th and 21st century.
5) Under no circumstances must you do anything other than "talk the talk". Offering practical help of any nature to anyone in the world is a sin that will result in eternal damnation. If Christians are accused by a heathen of "being all talk", then never dream of apologising and asking them for forgiveness. Rather, praise God that the Kingdom is saved from a sinner, and simply walk away. That is the only Godly thing to do. After all, the Bible tells us that faith with works is dead (although this was wrongly translated previously).
6) Always listen to, and follow the example of, more mature Christians. After all, they have successfully alienated a whole generation of sinners from the Kingdom, and this good work must be allowed to continue unhindered into the next generation too. God has placed it on my heart to warn of the dangers of over-population in heaven, so we must humbly follow their good example and, by the grace of God, the decreasing percentage of church-goers in the United Kingdom will continue to shrink.
7) Remember that using wisdom is strictly prohibited! Idiotic stupidity is to be praised, as only by showing the world how out of touch with reality Christians are, is God glorified! What a testimony disengaging your brain is to your trust in God!
8) When in holy huddles, take care to denigrate marriage at every opportunity. Encourage any stubborn men that refuse to leave the church to be eunuchs and praise them for it, and always be vigilant in disciplining the single women that desire marriage and a family. The concept of the family has now run its course. Thanks be to God!
9) Should a single woman aged 28 or over decide to give her life to Christ, take care she renounces her hopes of being a wife and mother, along with renouncing the kingdom of Satan.
10) Finally dear sisters and last remaining brother, keep praying for all the saints! That way you need never do anything that involves thinking or getting your hands dirty!
Praise the Lord!
posted by Captain Sensible at 6:20 AM
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