God, unrequited love, Christian women and singleness...
Captain Sensible writes: Following on from the last post, here are a few thoughts about the pain of unrequited love and protracted singleness.
The first thing to say is, is it any wonder that the pain of unrequited love is so deep, when you consider this:
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned."
(Song of Songs: 7: 6-7)
I remember the words of a very wise man - although not a Christian (why is it that wisdom on this issue seems almost exclusively the preserve of non-believers or weak believers?) - whose wife had left him, describe the pain as being worse than if she had died. The loss is the same, but at least you don't have the rejection to deal with. And the thought that they are merrily getting on with their life, possibly even enjoying a new love.
We literally are playing with fire when we embark on "the dating game".
For a Christian woman of course the situation is compounded because she is not allowed to feel the pain of a lost love or singleness, but must "be content" and if she is approaching the end of her child-bearing years too because she has been wrongly advised to "wait on the Lord" for a husband, well...is it any wonder that single Christian women that are no longer young, are also leaving the church now? (Incidentally, this being content business has really been misunderstood in my opinion. Do we tell people that are starving that they should be content with their hunger? It's unthinkable! Likewise, we absolutely must NOT be content with a bad situation that we can do something about!)
I am not quite sure what the answer is really.
The best conclusions that can be drawn are, I think, the following:
If a single Christian woman reaches the age of 25 without a husband, she should begin looking outside of "church circles" for a believing man in the world. A man who has been alienated by wrong perceptions of "church", and which, in their wisdom, church leaders have not bothered much to put right for a whole generation of men (and women too incidentally, but the urgency is for men). This doesn't mean excluding the single men in church circles! But rather, not putting all your eggs in one basket! ;-)
She should not abandon the church corporate, but take a lot of what she is told about singleness with a very large pinch of salt. I would suggest that she doesn't say too much about how she is feeling, because she will just get a contentment lecture and won't be taken seriously. Instead say a little, and then primarily encourage leaders to read Debbie Maken's book, and also contact Christian Vision for Men to let that movement and the statistics they have provided, convince them of the need to outreach for men. But remember not to get frustrated! God has revealed there are scales over eyes on this issue, and they can only be removed through the spiritual - pray, pray, pray!
As far as how she conducts herself when out meeting men in the world, sexual purity is non-negotiable. And guess what? Most decent men will respect that. Shock horror, I know, as we are given the impression that men in the world will just want to go to bed with her. Yes, some will. She needs to be very firm on that score and if it means losing the relationship, that's a good thing. (Incidentally, it's worth remembering there are Christian men like this too!)
Another fallacy is that if she mentions that she would quite like to get married and have children, men will run a mile! Again, some will. Good riddance. But most men in the world, over about the age of 30 I would say, actually want the same thing themselves, and they find it refreshing to hear a woman say that's what she wants too. Refreshing not because women in the world don't want it. They do too, of course. It's how God made women! But they are too scared to admit it. Of course it mustn't be done in a needy, desperate way. (And if she is still young, there is no need for desperation anyway! That's another benefit to starting this new tactic in your mid-20s.) One possible opener is when discussing jobs. One might ask the other in conversation about what their ambition is, or where they would like to see themselves in five years' time. (Almost all job interviews ask something along these lines, so most men won't be floored by it!) That is then a good opportunity to give your career goals...and then add with a smile that really, you would actually quite like to be married and have a family too! That's all that needs to be said, nothing too heavy! I know of one woman who was at a secular singles party and said that to a guy. He hesitated for a moment and began looking around the party as if searching for something to change with subject with. Then about two minutes later (the shock of a woman saying this may make men gulp slightly!) he asked her if she had eaten because he was hungry and how would she feel about getting out of there and going for a meal instead? He paid too - a demonstration of how seriously he took his role as a man. (Not that money is the issue here. He could have suggested some ice cream, going for a coffee and some cake... It's the principle that matters. He wanted to get her out of there, and keep her to himself!)
As far as evangelising goes, I would suggest subtlety is the name of the game. Don't go on a mission to save the lost! That's too dangerous when emotions are entangled, and there is really no need when actually the number of men that are atheists or of other faiths in the western world are so small. No, choose the men that are believers, but are just not church goers. It's very easy to bring the subject up. Just say something along the lines of so, do you believe there is a spiritual side to life, or is this all there is then? That's usually a good opener that won't send anyone fleeing! It's appalling, but the perception of "Christianity" is so shockingly poor, that I wouldn't even suggest mentioning it up front. Too many people associate "Christianity" with a form of ungodly "churchianity" and that's dreadful. Talking instead about the "spiritual" will allow him to open up about his beliefs regarding God, without letting all the negatives associated with "church" get in the way! (Don't get me wrong here! I am not advocating dating a "spiritualist"! That is UTTERLY and COMPLETELY dangerous! I am just merely saying that mentioning the "spiritual" rather than the "religious" or "Christianity" is a way of finding out more. Oh I so hope and pray no one reading this misunderstands this! If in any doubt, and in need of clarification, please let me know!) I also don't believe it is being ashamed of the Gospel. Rather, it is being ashamed of "church" and what we have done to it, and we should rightfully be ashamed of that, in my view. In some ways, it reminds me of Paul when in Athens. (Acts 17: 22-34) You start on common ground, and then take it from there. Some sneered. Others wanted to find out more. But unlike Paul, I don't think this should all be done the first time you meet! What can (and must) be established early on is whether there is a faith that you can work with, or more accurately, that God can use you to work with. A faith of some sort in God - OUR God! Then let your faith show gradually - primarily through your actions and attitudes, before any so-called "Bible bashing"!
I hope some of this is helpful and I sincerely hope none of it is harmful. I pray that God will let these words fall uselessly to the ground if they are not right.
The first thing to say is, is it any wonder that the pain of unrequited love is so deep, when you consider this:
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned."
(Song of Songs: 7: 6-7)
I remember the words of a very wise man - although not a Christian (why is it that wisdom on this issue seems almost exclusively the preserve of non-believers or weak believers?) - whose wife had left him, describe the pain as being worse than if she had died. The loss is the same, but at least you don't have the rejection to deal with. And the thought that they are merrily getting on with their life, possibly even enjoying a new love.
We literally are playing with fire when we embark on "the dating game".
For a Christian woman of course the situation is compounded because she is not allowed to feel the pain of a lost love or singleness, but must "be content" and if she is approaching the end of her child-bearing years too because she has been wrongly advised to "wait on the Lord" for a husband, well...is it any wonder that single Christian women that are no longer young, are also leaving the church now? (Incidentally, this being content business has really been misunderstood in my opinion. Do we tell people that are starving that they should be content with their hunger? It's unthinkable! Likewise, we absolutely must NOT be content with a bad situation that we can do something about!)
I am not quite sure what the answer is really.
The best conclusions that can be drawn are, I think, the following:
If a single Christian woman reaches the age of 25 without a husband, she should begin looking outside of "church circles" for a believing man in the world. A man who has been alienated by wrong perceptions of "church", and which, in their wisdom, church leaders have not bothered much to put right for a whole generation of men (and women too incidentally, but the urgency is for men). This doesn't mean excluding the single men in church circles! But rather, not putting all your eggs in one basket! ;-)
She should not abandon the church corporate, but take a lot of what she is told about singleness with a very large pinch of salt. I would suggest that she doesn't say too much about how she is feeling, because she will just get a contentment lecture and won't be taken seriously. Instead say a little, and then primarily encourage leaders to read Debbie Maken's book, and also contact Christian Vision for Men to let that movement and the statistics they have provided, convince them of the need to outreach for men. But remember not to get frustrated! God has revealed there are scales over eyes on this issue, and they can only be removed through the spiritual - pray, pray, pray!
As far as how she conducts herself when out meeting men in the world, sexual purity is non-negotiable. And guess what? Most decent men will respect that. Shock horror, I know, as we are given the impression that men in the world will just want to go to bed with her. Yes, some will. She needs to be very firm on that score and if it means losing the relationship, that's a good thing. (Incidentally, it's worth remembering there are Christian men like this too!)
Another fallacy is that if she mentions that she would quite like to get married and have children, men will run a mile! Again, some will. Good riddance. But most men in the world, over about the age of 30 I would say, actually want the same thing themselves, and they find it refreshing to hear a woman say that's what she wants too. Refreshing not because women in the world don't want it. They do too, of course. It's how God made women! But they are too scared to admit it. Of course it mustn't be done in a needy, desperate way. (And if she is still young, there is no need for desperation anyway! That's another benefit to starting this new tactic in your mid-20s.) One possible opener is when discussing jobs. One might ask the other in conversation about what their ambition is, or where they would like to see themselves in five years' time. (Almost all job interviews ask something along these lines, so most men won't be floored by it!) That is then a good opportunity to give your career goals...and then add with a smile that really, you would actually quite like to be married and have a family too! That's all that needs to be said, nothing too heavy! I know of one woman who was at a secular singles party and said that to a guy. He hesitated for a moment and began looking around the party as if searching for something to change with subject with. Then about two minutes later (the shock of a woman saying this may make men gulp slightly!) he asked her if she had eaten because he was hungry and how would she feel about getting out of there and going for a meal instead? He paid too - a demonstration of how seriously he took his role as a man. (Not that money is the issue here. He could have suggested some ice cream, going for a coffee and some cake... It's the principle that matters. He wanted to get her out of there, and keep her to himself!)
As far as evangelising goes, I would suggest subtlety is the name of the game. Don't go on a mission to save the lost! That's too dangerous when emotions are entangled, and there is really no need when actually the number of men that are atheists or of other faiths in the western world are so small. No, choose the men that are believers, but are just not church goers. It's very easy to bring the subject up. Just say something along the lines of so, do you believe there is a spiritual side to life, or is this all there is then? That's usually a good opener that won't send anyone fleeing! It's appalling, but the perception of "Christianity" is so shockingly poor, that I wouldn't even suggest mentioning it up front. Too many people associate "Christianity" with a form of ungodly "churchianity" and that's dreadful. Talking instead about the "spiritual" will allow him to open up about his beliefs regarding God, without letting all the negatives associated with "church" get in the way! (Don't get me wrong here! I am not advocating dating a "spiritualist"! That is UTTERLY and COMPLETELY dangerous! I am just merely saying that mentioning the "spiritual" rather than the "religious" or "Christianity" is a way of finding out more. Oh I so hope and pray no one reading this misunderstands this! If in any doubt, and in need of clarification, please let me know!) I also don't believe it is being ashamed of the Gospel. Rather, it is being ashamed of "church" and what we have done to it, and we should rightfully be ashamed of that, in my view. In some ways, it reminds me of Paul when in Athens. (Acts 17: 22-34) You start on common ground, and then take it from there. Some sneered. Others wanted to find out more. But unlike Paul, I don't think this should all be done the first time you meet! What can (and must) be established early on is whether there is a faith that you can work with, or more accurately, that God can use you to work with. A faith of some sort in God - OUR God! Then let your faith show gradually - primarily through your actions and attitudes, before any so-called "Bible bashing"!
I hope some of this is helpful and I sincerely hope none of it is harmful. I pray that God will let these words fall uselessly to the ground if they are not right.
posted by Captain Sensible at 3:31 AM
4 Comments:
Dear Captain,
I know you've been advocating that believing women begin to look outside church circles for a husband for some time now, but this is the first time that I can remember that you've gone into a greater amount of detail on just "how" this should be approached. Just my opinion, I liked what you had to say, and agree.
When I was in college, two professors in the music department where I was studying lost husbands at about the same time one semester. One died suddenly, the other left his wife for another woman, also a complete surprise because just a few weeks before, he had given her diamond earrings for a Valentine's gift.
My professor told me what the woman whose husband had left her had said to her, "At least she (the widowed professor) gets to have a funeral." It was very painful for this woman to see the entire department pay tribute to the widowed professor's loss and acknowledge her grief, while she was expected to suffer in silence. My single years were excruciatingly painful for me. I have to be honest and say that, in the end, I dug deep inside myself, and returned to the religious tradition of my birth, a tradition which HONORS marriage and family, in order to survive. I am not ashamed of this, because, it enabled me to survive. I agree with you wholeheartedly though, never marry anyone who is not a believer in Christ.
I think all Christian parents who have girls should finance Christian Vision For Men, because those parents should be concerned about whether their daughters will have the choice of marrying Christian men. Rev. Carl Beech who runs CVM says he has teenage daughters, and that their future is a big motivator in his work.
I think CVM should produce some sort of publicity aimed at parents of girls, asking them do they really want their daughters to go through the pain of involuntary singleness for years on end as adults as so many of us are undergoing. Probably not.
Anecdotally, I have been told many times that the biggest drop-off rate among young Christians in the UK is after university. I suspect this is because of the late age of marriage that is expected in our society. Guys tend to leave in their early 20s.
These days a lot of people who would give money to charity are saddled by student debts, but parents of girls should not be.
"Anecdotally, I have been told many times that the biggest drop-off rate among young Christians in the UK is after university. I suspect this is because of the late age of marriage that is expected in our society. Guys tend to leave in their early 20s."
I think you make a good point. It drives me mad that the focus of churches is on "children and youth" all the time. Those are NOT the years missing from our churches. The men in their 20s and 30s however...
You know I can't remember the exact numbers, but a few months ago I counted the job advertisements in Christianity magazine. There were about 70 I think. And around 60 of them were for children's ministry leaders and youth workers. Seriously. We do not need workers for children and the youth. What we need are men's outreach workers. But not one church that I am aware of has one!
Which brings me to another point you make. I wholeheatedly agree with you. I think everyone that agrees with the need for more men - for the sake of the Kingdom, not just the single Christian women - should cease tithing to their church and give it instead to Christian Vision for Men. That is what I am doing.
Sadly however, even some parents of young girls do NOT see this as a priority. I spoke to one leader about the fact that by the time his daughter was of marrying age there would statistically be zero men in the church. You know what he said? "Oh, I'm not worried about that!"
But remember - this is a spiritual issue. We should buy every leader a copy of Debbie Maken's book, and give the rest of our tithes to CVM, making it very clear to our church what we are doing and why, and then PRAY! The scales will not be removed from their eyes by neither common sense or financial cost alone (although the latter may be quite a powerful persuader!). It is a spiritual blindness that can only be tackled in the spiritual realm. Apart from the fact that I firmly believe God revealed this, nothing else can explain the stupidity that surrounds all levels of Christian leadership at the moment.
Yes it's a spiritual blindness. That leader you mention is a really bad example. He sounds arrogant and overconfident to me.
My church's planning meeting for the next 5 years is coming up. I've got a few things I want to talk about with them, one of them being men! I do know that the leadership care. By the way, one thing that the research I've seen shows is that churches that reach men are the ones who aim to reach adults, not just children and youth. Women are more willinjg to tolerate childishness in church because they are more likely to see church as a place to bring their children.
Martyn Lloyd-Jones says something in an article he once wrote in Welsh, which is that too many churches panic about reaching and retaining 'young people', when the Gospel is offered in the New Testament to everyone. He remarks that of course, it's more difficult to discipline adults and teach them Christian morality. I suspect that this is partly what is going on. It's also of course what is going on with the politically correct chattering classes tolerating Islam: they're scared silly of disciplining men, as they have no vision for mature manhood.
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