More bad advice from the Christian singleness "expert" renowned for dishing it out by the bucketload
Dear oh dear.
Carolyn McCulley - herself a protracted single, and staunch defender of the "gift of singleness" - appears to be making a career out of giving bad advice to women that want to get married. Her latest offering on Crosswalk sees her advising a mid-30s woman who is desperate for marriage, that she should stop attending a church service where there are available men and join one where there aren't any instead.
Like that makes sense.
Once again, she scolds the woman for desiring what God hardwired into our nature, and returns to her favourite topic: the dangers of making an idol out of the desire for marriage or "false, idolatrous worship" as she calls it.
As if the woman writing the letter wasn't feeling bad enough as it is!
What is painfully obvious from the lady that has written in for help (aside from the fact that she has chosen the wrong woman to write to) is that her self-esteem regarding attracting a potential spouse is at rock bottom, and a dreadful weariness of ever finding a husband has set in. This is what happens when you reach your mid-30s and there is no husband on the horizon.
But instead of directing her advice to where it is needed - the men in the woman's church - Carolyn appears to be suggesting that the woman's profession as a lawyer may have led her to take on the "less attractive qualities of the legal profession". Okay, so a possible reason why this woman is still single is because she has a high-powered profession? Carolyn, apart from this being ridiculous, you cannot have it both ways! If you believe that marriage will come about only "in (God's) due time" if at all, and that nothing we can do can change that, then what possible difference would this make? You say in your book that the reason we are single is because it is God's will for our lives at this particular time - or as the currently fashionable parlance would have it - in this season. It's not because the women are too this or too that, you say. Please make up your mind! Either there is a human element involved or there isn't!
Carolyn also completely misses the mark when she diagnoses the lack of self-esteem as being a general "fear of man". The letter writer makes it clear that she doesn't feel this way in the world. The problem is when she is surrounded by Christan men that aren't interested in her. And why aren't they interested in her? Because she is in her mid-30s!
This is a common problem.
Men that have delayed marriage for decade after decade into adulthood, suddenly decide (just prior to reaching the age where they might start needing regular medical treatment), that they would, after all, quite like to obey God in finding a wife, and actually, they would also quite like to have children of their own too. So instead of choosing a potential spouse of their own age, they are only attracted to women in their 20s or early 30s. As the letter writer accurately points out, this is a lose/lose situation. The men are rightly being rejected by the women that are under 35, and the women of 35+ are ignored!
Okay - so what would be a better way of responding to this lady?
Here are a couple of suggestions.
1) Read Debbie Maken's book "Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness". This will encourage her that what she is feeling is a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. She is not making an idol out of marriage; neither is she succumbing to a fear of man. She is simply a normal woman that desires marriage and a family - and with a Christian man no less. She is seeking to follow God's plan as laid out in the Scriptures and she should be encouraged in this, not discouraged.
The men however are clearly not following God's plan, which brings me on to my next point:
2) The men in this church need pastoring - and they need it bad. They no doubt believe that God will bring their perfect wife to them in His timing, and of course, she will be stunning, slim and most likely in her 20s. And that's regardless of their vital statistics and age! The older men need a reality check and the younger men need a wake-up call. Either they start being proactive and begin leading women into marriage in a timely fashion, or they will most like remain a bachelor all their lives.
And what did the Lord have to say about that?
"Not good."
Sadly, if the letter writer speaks to her church leaders, they may not be sympathic either, as they too have been wrongly taught over the issue of singleness. But it has got to be worth a try, and there may be just the one person in a position of leadership that will understand and s/he might be able to bear some influence on the others.
Final message to McCulley: In the opinion of renowned theologian, Captain Sensible, what you are doing is wrong. It's bad. Please stop.
Carolyn McCulley - herself a protracted single, and staunch defender of the "gift of singleness" - appears to be making a career out of giving bad advice to women that want to get married. Her latest offering on Crosswalk sees her advising a mid-30s woman who is desperate for marriage, that she should stop attending a church service where there are available men and join one where there aren't any instead.
Like that makes sense.
Once again, she scolds the woman for desiring what God hardwired into our nature, and returns to her favourite topic: the dangers of making an idol out of the desire for marriage or "false, idolatrous worship" as she calls it.
As if the woman writing the letter wasn't feeling bad enough as it is!
What is painfully obvious from the lady that has written in for help (aside from the fact that she has chosen the wrong woman to write to) is that her self-esteem regarding attracting a potential spouse is at rock bottom, and a dreadful weariness of ever finding a husband has set in. This is what happens when you reach your mid-30s and there is no husband on the horizon.
But instead of directing her advice to where it is needed - the men in the woman's church - Carolyn appears to be suggesting that the woman's profession as a lawyer may have led her to take on the "less attractive qualities of the legal profession". Okay, so a possible reason why this woman is still single is because she has a high-powered profession? Carolyn, apart from this being ridiculous, you cannot have it both ways! If you believe that marriage will come about only "in (God's) due time" if at all, and that nothing we can do can change that, then what possible difference would this make? You say in your book that the reason we are single is because it is God's will for our lives at this particular time - or as the currently fashionable parlance would have it - in this season. It's not because the women are too this or too that, you say. Please make up your mind! Either there is a human element involved or there isn't!
Carolyn also completely misses the mark when she diagnoses the lack of self-esteem as being a general "fear of man". The letter writer makes it clear that she doesn't feel this way in the world. The problem is when she is surrounded by Christan men that aren't interested in her. And why aren't they interested in her? Because she is in her mid-30s!
This is a common problem.
Men that have delayed marriage for decade after decade into adulthood, suddenly decide (just prior to reaching the age where they might start needing regular medical treatment), that they would, after all, quite like to obey God in finding a wife, and actually, they would also quite like to have children of their own too. So instead of choosing a potential spouse of their own age, they are only attracted to women in their 20s or early 30s. As the letter writer accurately points out, this is a lose/lose situation. The men are rightly being rejected by the women that are under 35, and the women of 35+ are ignored!
Okay - so what would be a better way of responding to this lady?
Here are a couple of suggestions.
1) Read Debbie Maken's book "Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness". This will encourage her that what she is feeling is a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. She is not making an idol out of marriage; neither is she succumbing to a fear of man. She is simply a normal woman that desires marriage and a family - and with a Christian man no less. She is seeking to follow God's plan as laid out in the Scriptures and she should be encouraged in this, not discouraged.
The men however are clearly not following God's plan, which brings me on to my next point:
2) The men in this church need pastoring - and they need it bad. They no doubt believe that God will bring their perfect wife to them in His timing, and of course, she will be stunning, slim and most likely in her 20s. And that's regardless of their vital statistics and age! The older men need a reality check and the younger men need a wake-up call. Either they start being proactive and begin leading women into marriage in a timely fashion, or they will most like remain a bachelor all their lives.
And what did the Lord have to say about that?
"Not good."
Sadly, if the letter writer speaks to her church leaders, they may not be sympathic either, as they too have been wrongly taught over the issue of singleness. But it has got to be worth a try, and there may be just the one person in a position of leadership that will understand and s/he might be able to bear some influence on the others.
Final message to McCulley: In the opinion of renowned theologian, Captain Sensible, what you are doing is wrong. It's bad. Please stop.
posted by Captain Sensible at 10:40 PM
1 Comments:
Interesting post. I would leave the sewing to the Italians as they are amazing at it.
Post a Comment
<< Home