More on monks and nuns
"I've often thought that for a single person a monastery provides a community that would eliminate much of what singles struggle with regarding isolation, loneliness, sense of belonging, etc."
(Fern Horst, "Purposeful Singleness")
Captain Sensible writes: Well, I guess it had to happen. It's the natural extension of the "be content", "singleness is a gift", "making an idol out of marriage", "Jesus is all you need" teaching that has infected the church. It was only a matter of time until someone thought a solution to the problem of singleness was joining a monastery or nunnery. It is appropriate that that person is Fern Horst, the most militantly aggressive pro-singleness person I have come across. (Carolyn McCulley seems to have not taken it quite that far. Although she does support single Christians living together in a kind of pseudo-family unit as some sort of substitute for a real husband or wife and a real family.)
I wonder if the next logical step is promoting a form of non-practising homosexuality? I know of one person in the UK that appears to be advocating just that. And she regularly speaks on the subject of singleness to thousands of Christians at a major annual festival.
God sent Debbie Maken at just the right time to stop this cancer in its tracks. Thank God that the final burden for putting all this right rests with the Lord. It would be unbearable for any one person to take it on.
(Fern Horst, "Purposeful Singleness")
Captain Sensible writes: Well, I guess it had to happen. It's the natural extension of the "be content", "singleness is a gift", "making an idol out of marriage", "Jesus is all you need" teaching that has infected the church. It was only a matter of time until someone thought a solution to the problem of singleness was joining a monastery or nunnery. It is appropriate that that person is Fern Horst, the most militantly aggressive pro-singleness person I have come across. (Carolyn McCulley seems to have not taken it quite that far. Although she does support single Christians living together in a kind of pseudo-family unit as some sort of substitute for a real husband or wife and a real family.)
I wonder if the next logical step is promoting a form of non-practising homosexuality? I know of one person in the UK that appears to be advocating just that. And she regularly speaks on the subject of singleness to thousands of Christians at a major annual festival.
God sent Debbie Maken at just the right time to stop this cancer in its tracks. Thank God that the final burden for putting all this right rests with the Lord. It would be unbearable for any one person to take it on.
posted by Captain Sensible at 3:44 AM
17 Comments:
Hello Captain,
I actually spoke with a nun about this. I was single from the age of 21 until 37, and I hated it. When I was about 22 and in graduate school, I happened to be sitting at a table next to a nun in the graduate student cafeteria. We struck up a conversation, and I told her how I hated being single, and I had often thought it would be better to be a nun. (If one had to be single.) We were laughing about it, but she told me I could never qualify to be a nun with that attitude. You have to have a calling to be a nun, have to feel that it's God's will for you, not just that you can't find a husband, and you're lonely. I always remembered that conversation, and over the years when I was single, I thought about her, and what she had said that day. I've always felt in my heart that she was right.
I work with a woman who is a Mormon and her and I have some discussions about Mormonism and what they believe. Doctrinal differences aside, I have to admit we can learn a bit from the Mormons as they have a real honor and respect for the institution of marriage and seem to promote it in their community, unlike many Christian churches that seem to teach us how to be good little eunuchs.
Captain, just what is the nature of this "non-practicing homosexuality" that you heard about. Sounds a bit creepy.
I would prefer not to go into details at this stage about the "non-practicing homosexuality" vibe that I am picking up.
In essence though, it is encouraging single women to live together and give each other the physical affection they crave (hugs, holding hands), and thereby find an outlet for their loneliness and need for human touch. It is supposed to be finding new ways of expressing their "sexuality" but in non "sexual" ways.
Vincenzo,
I've never said this on any posts before, but I grew up a Reorganized Latter Day Saint, 5th generation. I've never flat out stated my religion on any blog before now, because people have such extreme negative reactions, especially Evangelical Christians. But this "Gift of Singleness" thing was a killer for me, and I could never accept it. I have returned to the Reorganized Church, (now the Community of Christ) While I believe my Utah brethren do place a bit too much emphasis on marriage (I disagree with them totally when they say you have to be married in order to achieve exhaltation in the highest level of the Celestial kingdom) I believe that the Evangelical attitude toward marriage as reflected in this "Gift of Singleness" doctrine is even worse. I just could never understand why people say it is idolatry to want to be married really badly. We do not demonize marriage in this way. To us, the idea that God would "will" someone to be single is completely unheard of. Being single and never marrying or having children is a great tragedy, not a gift. To me, this is a hateful thing to say to lonely single people. I have vowed never to set foot inside an Evangelical church again for as long as I live. I will attend the Methodist church when my husband wants to go. My daughter attends an Episcopal Day school, and I am going to encourage her in her religion classes, I wouldn't mind her being an Anglican/Episcopal, the situation with the gays and the Anglican church does not turn me off as much as this Evangelical "Gift of Singleness" thing. I cannot live in the Evangelical world, this "Gift of Singleness" teaching is abhorrent and repulsive to me. For me, to stay Evangelical would be to give my blessing to the current state of affairs. My loyalty is to Jesus Christ, not to the Evangelicals.
Lisa - Thank you for your contribution. I cannot comment on doctrinal issues regarding the Reorganized Church, but I do know that the "gift of singleness" teaching is causing women to leave church entirely. Whether they are losing their faith too, I don't know. I think not, but the danger is God is being so misrepresented, that I think a lot of women are experiencing, at the very least, a crisis of faith.
It makes me very angry that God is being, in effect, blamed, for a problem we are causing by spreading this false teaching, and also neglecting to outreach to men.
I am sure we are all in for a hearty "well done my good and faithful servant"! Not only have we succeeded in alienating men, we are now alienating women because they desire to be what God created them to be: wives and mothers.
But things are changing. I am seeing it everywhere I look.
We have gone through a period of slumber, but we are all waking-up.
lisa,
I hope that you can continue to pray for me and the pain I have in my singleness. Frankly, I don't know if this will be posted here, but the pain of being single/celibate can make one think of suicide. Now before I give the wrong idea, I do not believe I have the "guts" but I understand the pain of those who suffer so badly for their singleness that they contemplate such things.
If you don't mind my asking, when you say "Evangelical," what precisely do you mean? Does it include most Catholic churches as well?
Dear Shazia - I am really concerned if thoughts of suicide are even entering your mind.
As Christians, we are to never give up hope. Our God is the God of miracles. Nothing is impossible for Him. He parted the Red Sea so that His people could walk through, He makes the blind see and the lame walk. He is God Almighty, the Lamb and the Good Shepherd, His compassions never fail. He is love.
Please remember these truths whenever you are tempted to despair.
Shazia,
My understanding of Evangelicals is that they believe that salvation is by grace alone through faith alone in Jesus Christ. Also that the Bible is the word of God, and the only true guide for how to live your life. I have NO argument with the Evangelicals here, I would still be Evangelical if it weren't for the GoS. I just can't believe the people who say that you have to believe in the GoS, have to "be content" with being single or you're an idolator. I can't believe that that's what Paul meant in 1 Corinthians. Debbie Maken has written a whole book shooting the GoS down, and used what I thought were excellent Biblical and other sources, and still people who call themselves "Evangelicals" are trying to discredit her work. So, I give up. It's not my heritage or my tradition. I would rather be with the CoC, and try to influence people towards the idea that "Salvation is by grace alone, through faith in Jesus Christ." I feel it is a more profitable use of my time and effort. I do not include Catholics in my definition of "Evangelical" or Orthodox or Mainline Protestants. To me, when I say I'm shunning Evangelicals, it means I'm shunning anyone who teaches GoS.
Shazia,
Please remember that I was single for 16 years of my adult life. There were nights when I would have bad dreams, I would be screaming, "I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone." I would wake up, and there would be tears running down my face. And I told my Pastor this, and the only thing he could say was, "Jesus was content being single, so I should be too." I have forgiven him, I figure he was just parroting what he'd learned in church and seminary.
I volunteered with orphans in Romania, I became a school teacher in the inner city, I worked with the homeless, the elderly, retarded children, and the mentally ill. I did everything I could to try to live a useful life, one that would honor Christ, but I still wanted to be married. Some days were better than others, but I never had the kind of "contentment" that Carolyn McCulley says you're supposed to have.
It is NEVER hopeless. I'm married today with a child, and I have to say that I have no regrets. I pray that things WILL turn around for you. Don't ever give up hope.
Shazia,
What Lisa said about Evangelicals is spot on. It's a term typically applied to Protestants who believe the following:
1) Jesus Christ is God the Son. He lived a sinless life and died to pay the penalty for our sins. Eternal salvation comes only from trusting in His sacrifice, not through our own works.
2) The Bible is the inspired Word of God, and is accurate in all that it teaches.
Those are the two beliefs that distinguish Evangelicalism.
Shazia wrote,
"And I told my Pastor this, and the only thing he could say was, 'Jesus was content being single, so I should be too.' I have forgiven him, I figure he was just parroting what he'd learned in church and seminary."
Perhaps this pastor has forgotten that striving to be Christ-like and being Christ are two different things? Christ is God, and as a man knew his mission and that His time on earth was short. Thus, it's unlikely He had any temptation to marry (an irresponsible and sinful act that would have left a woman and child[ren] unsupported following is Acension). Christ was the exception, not the rule. Wouldn't it be great if church leaders would understand the distinction?
On the other hand, we are imperfect, needy people, implanted with sexual desires and longings by God. God instituted marriage as a way to fulfill those desires, and avoid judgement for sexual sins.
It sickens me to no end that Ms. Horst's agenda has become so twisted in favor of GOS that she's actually advocating we supplant God's way of fulfilling our sexual desires with a human invention (monastery).
I came across her site in 2000 nearly two years after an emotional and mental crisis struck me suddenly resulting in severe depression over being alone with no hope of marriage. I actually believed, given time, that God would meet my needs.
A "social infant" for too long, I had been oblivious of any desire for female companionship when it happened and lacking self-confidence, knew of no other way but to wait on God (still am after nine years). Coming across Ms. Horst's site, I felt that I had found some support for my struggle and desires.
Until I started reading her articles, that is.
Since there were no effective counters (that I knew about) to GOS in those days, I felt like God was talking to me and that I was rebelling through my desire to marry.
It caused me to have intense anger toward God for allowing it to happen in the first place. Right or wrong, I've never gotten over it, but am used to it.
As for GOS, that philosophy needs to be limited to those who truly do not desire marriage, while everyone else should be groomed for marriage by the church and the family. Our western societies would be much better off.
I believe that a radical shift away from GOS leading to early marriage will reduce divorce rate and sinful indulgence, which will allow us a better testimony when presenting the gospel to a sinful world.
Hmmm... part of the whole problem with some of these teachings is that they have a point.
(wait a second before firing :-) )
BUT I've noticed that they often go beyond 'how to deal with a temporary situation that might just end up permanent' into 'this is how God wants you to live until he tells you otherwise'.
I mean, living with other christian singles makes quite a bit of sense - lowers loneliness, provides christian fellowship, and increases christian dating opportunities. Likewise, seeking hugs from female friends is a sensible way of diminishing a feeling of being cut off from the world. Will it make you feel completely better? Nuh-uh. But in this broken world, bad stuff happens to the undeserving, and sometimes God doesn't fix the original situation, he just helps us live through and transcend what we got stuck with.
Hmmm, I rabbited on there, but hopefully I managed to make my point. If you're single and offended, there's a good chance I didn't.
Thanks for your comment, Naomi. I don't think anyone could possibly be offended! :-)
I think you're right in that a lot of the advice given to singles appears to have a grain of sense in it.
Yes, it appears sensible for single Christians to live with other Christians, in order to stave off loneliness.
But it doesn't satisfy the loneliness that comes from the absence of a spouse, and may even make things worse.
But I think I'll need to elaborate on what I mean by this later.
I also would take to look into this point: "sometimes God doesn't fix the original situation, he just helps us live through and transcend what we got stuck with."
This implies that singleness is something that "just happens" to some people. It's the whole "singleness is my portion today" business. I think this feeds into the idea that it is God's will, and there's nothing much we can do about it except find coping mechanisms. (Although this is usually expressed in more spiritual terms!)
But again, I'll need to elaborate more later.
It's good that you have brought up these points, thank you!
"I also would take to look into this point: "sometimes God doesn't fix the original situation, he just helps us live through and transcend what we got stuck with."
This implies that singleness is something that "just happens" to some people. It's the whole "singleness is my portion today" business. I think this feeds into the idea that it is God's will, and there's nothing much we can do about it except find coping mechanisms."
Nah nah nah nah... that's not what I mean at all! eeek!
OK, here's a personal example. I've had two miscarriages. They SUCKED. And I prayed, and I KNEW God could stop it, could heal me and/or the baby if he wanted to... and he didn't. That's the sort of situation I'm talking about. The sort that comes from living in a fallen world, the sort that's totally unfair, the sort that I believe God weeps over and detests just as much as we do. I believe that sometimes bad things happen, and they're not God's will. No-one will ever convince me that God wills someone to die because someone else drove drunk and crashed into them. I KNOW that sometimes he stops things... and sometimes he doesn't. I don't know why. I've got some questions for him, though. :-/
I guess what I'm saying is that for some few people, the reality might be that they will never marry, despite wanting to, despite trying all the right things. And I don't think that's God's will, and I don't think someone who's been single for 20 years should assume that they're one of them and stop making an effort. I think it's dangerous to pendulum-swing completely away from GoS (singleness is God's will) to 'we all can and will make good marriages'. I believe there MUST be allowance made in our theology for individual personal situations that just have to be worked through, not escaped.
Make sense? I'm really not sure how well I'm expressing myself, and I guess our theology on other points really affects our viewpoint on this sort of stuff...
Thanks Naomi! Am a little short of time at the moment, but I will comment on all this shortly.
Best regards.
Naomi - Sorry, I have left it quite late tonight, but I would like to reply to what you have said.
First off, I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriages. And I am in agreement with everything you have said regarding that and God's will.
Where perhaps we may differ is likening a situation like that of miscarriage, with the widespread circumstantial singleness we see so much of amongst Christian women.
There are very real, very obvious problems that are causing this singleness to happen: Lack of men in church circles and the effect that the lack of "competition" for the women has on the few single men there are, plus wrong teaching that encourages men to not be proactive about the duty to find a wife and instead "wait on the Lord" to bring a wife to them - if that is "His will"!
So I guess I am just saying that for about 99.9% of single Christian women, there is absoultely no reason for them to be single, other than what we need to take responsibility for.
Bad things do happen which we can do nothing about, and yes, I think we won't know why until we are the other side of heaven.
But sometimes bad things happen which we can do something about, and it is in those cases - like the singleness we are seeing - where someone can be single for 20 years (or much longer) and it's actually not a problem with them, or God's will, but a problem that we have caused to happen, and we can, and must, stop happening over and over again.
So, it is not a case of "individual personal situations", but rather a corporate situation that we have allowed to develop and must bring about an end to.
I am not saying that "we all can and will make good marriages", because we cannot make such a statement about anything in our fallen world.
But is it an exaggeration to say that if a woman is not a Christian, she would be much more likely to be married? Sadly, I feel sure that is the case. And that is, or should be, absolutely horrifying.
Yup - I agree that merely shrugging our shoulders and saying "I'll pray for you" really isn't a useful response. Action makes far more sense.
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