Single Christian Women Must Evangelise For Their Husbands
Captain Sensible writes: Just a reminder, ladies (and this is for those of you aged 25 upwards, primarily!).
No one else in church will tell you this, but I will (and I am ready to meet my Maker over it).
Facts:
* There are not enough single men in the church to go around.
* Churches are only interested in unchallenging women's and children's ministries, so they are not even trying to address this imbalance (which has huge implications, and not just for single women that rightly desire marriage!).
* You don't need to further "prepare" to be married.
* You don't need to battle for contentment with singleness.
* You are not "making an idol" out of marriage (Hint: It's the way God designed women).
* You don't need to feel bad because you need to make a living and so have a job/career (yes, idiots on US singles websites are actually spouting a lot of nonsense about this).
What you do need to do is look outside of church to meet a man to marry. There is no more time to waste, if you are 25+.
Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with you. (I'm not saying you're perfect! We are all in the process of conforming to the likeness of Christ. But I would say it was highly unlikely that the reason you are unmarried is because you have oh so much more work to do on yourself! Don't let yourself be put down like that any more. Single Christian women have suffered enough abuse, and it has to end here and end now.)
So look outside church, for a man to marry, and do it without delay.
There is no more time to waste "waiting on the Lord" when actually, the reality is that the Lord is waiting on us to get our churches straight, and align us to His design for marriage as set out in the Bible.
I am sick and tired of seeing women despairing over their singleness.
There is no need for it.
Find a good man in the world to love, help and encourage and let your life be an example to him and the world.
It can be brutal out there - but not as brutal as lifelong singleness, so be "bold and very courageous"!
No one else in church will tell you this, but I will (and I am ready to meet my Maker over it).
Facts:
* There are not enough single men in the church to go around.
* Churches are only interested in unchallenging women's and children's ministries, so they are not even trying to address this imbalance (which has huge implications, and not just for single women that rightly desire marriage!).
* You don't need to further "prepare" to be married.
* You don't need to battle for contentment with singleness.
* You are not "making an idol" out of marriage (Hint: It's the way God designed women).
* You don't need to feel bad because you need to make a living and so have a job/career (yes, idiots on US singles websites are actually spouting a lot of nonsense about this).
What you do need to do is look outside of church to meet a man to marry. There is no more time to waste, if you are 25+.
Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with you. (I'm not saying you're perfect! We are all in the process of conforming to the likeness of Christ. But I would say it was highly unlikely that the reason you are unmarried is because you have oh so much more work to do on yourself! Don't let yourself be put down like that any more. Single Christian women have suffered enough abuse, and it has to end here and end now.)
So look outside church, for a man to marry, and do it without delay.
There is no more time to waste "waiting on the Lord" when actually, the reality is that the Lord is waiting on us to get our churches straight, and align us to His design for marriage as set out in the Bible.
I am sick and tired of seeing women despairing over their singleness.
There is no need for it.
Find a good man in the world to love, help and encourage and let your life be an example to him and the world.
It can be brutal out there - but not as brutal as lifelong singleness, so be "bold and very courageous"!
posted by Captain Sensible at 3:49 PM
29 Comments:
I liked your post Captain, but keep in mind there are many good Godly men out there seeking wives who need that kind of encouragement too. ;)
Vincenzo - I always appreciate your comments. Thank you for reading this blog.
But may I gently disagree...
Single Christian men need encouragement to marry, yes. And they need to be encouraged to be proactive rather than passive, and they mustn't let "shyness" hold them back, plus they too need to ignore the false teaching about "waiting on the Lord" to bring you your spouse!
However...they are not suffering the spiritual abuse women are, nor do they have the practical obstacles that single Christian women face, and those are the problems I am seeking to address in this post.
Thank you for your reply to my post Captain. I do appreciate your desiring for change in this area of Christian living. Change is long overdue. However, if you could please elaborate on "spiritual abuse/practical obstacles"? I suppose my definition might a little different than yours or not. :)
"spiritual abuse/practical obstacles"
I would have thought that as a regular reader of this blog, it was clear how I view this!
Spiritual abuse = Scolded for not "being content" with singleness and the resulting childlessness; scolded for "making an idol" out of marriage; made to feel like God has so much more work to do before He can possibly deem them ready to be a wife; and then very recently (primarily in the US) scolded if they have to earn their own living in a job as this shows they apparently renounced marriage in favour of a career!
Practical obstacles = An imbalanced ratio of men to women, and Christian men (from the leadership down) refusing to address this.
I noted with particular interest your comment about having "so much work to do" to be deemed ready for marriage. I've heard this one over the years (not so much applied to myself, though) and have always wondered why I see so many people around me who are a great deal more messed up than some godly singles I know, but said messed up people were the married ones! The natural question is, why did God deem THEM worthy of a spouse? I suppose the standard Christian answer (apart from "I don't know") would be that those people are out of the Lord's will, so He's not directing their path or protecting them from a potentially incorrect choice.
Oh, Christians come up with stupid comments all the time! (It seems unbiblical to apply wisdom these days...)
Sadly, the best thing to do is ignore virtually everything Christians tell this messed-up generation about singleness and marriage!
Stick to a more traditional version of the Bible (instead of the trendy new ones like The New Living Translation and The Message) and supplement your reading with the best book on Christian singleness and the only one I wholeheartedly recommend: Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness."
Dear Captain,
Ok, I posted this a long time ago on Mrs. Maken's website, but I want to post it again, for the benefit of all the single people out there.
I met my believing husband through a Christian singles service. This service held the philosophy that both single men and single women should take responsibility for meeting someone. In order to join, you needed an interview and two letters of recommendation. You were required to fill out an application which became part of your member profile. On it, you put your reason for joining the single's service. If all you wanted to do was to date around and have fun, it was ok, you could join, but others could then go through and screen you out if they were interested in marriage and family. My husband screened out any woman who said she didn't want marriage and children. I did the same for the men. They had counselors on staff to help you, one of them actually counselled me that if a relationship wasn't moving towards marriage, I should break it off and keep looking. Your member profile went in the books with other new members at first. You then had your choice of all the activities the service offered. Parties, dinners at restaurants, field trips to fun places, movies, bible studies, you name it--this service had everything. You could either search the books looking for someone to send an invitation to so they could call you on the phone, or you participated in the activities. It really didn't take my husband and I long to meet each other. I joined the last week of December, and talked to my husband for the first time on the phone on Valentine's Day. (I would have met him sooner, but I was traveling out of the country when he first sent me an invitation.)
I just want to say that, there WERE EVANGELICAL MEN in this singles service. I just chose my husband, a mainline Christian, instead. I dated an Evangelical, but after a couple of dates, I could tell he wasn't interested in marriage, so I let him go. Plus, from the first, my husband and I just clicked, and after a very short time, I really didn't want to date anyone else. This service was unique among the ones I've seen. They really did believe in each person taking personal initiative in their search. I wish there were more such services around. The service in our city where my husband and I met has changed its format to more traditional matchmaking because no one was taking any initiative to meet anyone. I wish all the singles out there Good Luck, and I hope this information helps.
"It amazes me that I know several non-christian women (some of which even claim to be atheist) that have a more biblically based view about marriage, children, and career than those of us in the church!! I have a friend who does not attend church and, at times, scoffs at the very idea of God. And yet, she has confided to me that she would give up her career in a heartbeat if her and her husband could conceive."
Excellent comment on a US singles website that usually drowns in stupid comments!
This is NOT news though. It is sad but seemingly true that almost everyone has a more Biblically-based view on singleness and marriage than Christians in this present generation.
And people like Carolyn McCulley need to understand that even the most high-achieving career woman in the secular world is less "feminist" than the message she promotes to single Christian women, telling them they need neither man nor child to feel contented and fulfilled!
One more thing I forgot to add. Membership in this Christian singles service was limited to people who belonged to a denomination that was considered to be a part of historic Christianity, either Protestant, Roman Catholic, or Orthodox. No cultists were allowed.
Captain Sensible, I took note of the fact that the only book on Christian singleness you recommend is the one by Debbie Maken -- does this mean that you're displeased with Candice Watters' new book? Do tell!
Lisa, thank you for your encouraging story about how you met your husband through a Christian matchmaking service. I just joined a secular one, as it seemed to be the only one of its kind in my area, but I stressed both on my application and during my in-person interview with the representative that I only wanted to be matched with Christian men (Protestant, Orthodox, or Catholic) who were serious churchgoers. I'm praying fervently that I will meet a marriage-worthy man through this service!
Anonymous - I actually said the only book I "wholeheartedly" recommend is the Maken one!
I have read Watters' book, and I think it is very good and much needed. I am planning to do a review of it in the near future, and it will be a positive one. Maybe there are just one or two aspects that I disagree with, that's all!
Btw, good on you for joining the dating site. If I may add my contribution to that discussion, I would suggest you don't write off men that don't exactly fit your criteria regarding the church, especially if you are over 25 years of age. A lot can be worked on if a man has a rudimentary faith in God, a good heart, integrity and a passion to fight injustice - all of which can be evidenced in men outside of church circles.
In fact, mostly it is evidenced in men outside of church circles!
Btw...
A lot of these dating services aren't cheap...
I wonder if the church will help single women with the cost, particularly if they don't live at home with both parents?
I think perhaps they should...
;-)
Captain Sensible, I indeed missed the word wholeheartedly in your post. Sorry! :-)
I second what you said about matchmaking services' not being cheap. And I certainly wouldn't refuse a contribution from my church to cover the cost if it were offered to me! I chose to utilize the services of a matchmaking service, as opposed to going the online dating route, because it's safer (both a background check and in-person interview are required by the one I'm using) and I prefer that someone work on my behalf to find suitable matches for me for the sake of efficiency (I have no desire to spend hours a day scanning online profiles and writing E-mail messages to send to everyone I "like").
The following is a bit off-topic, but I think it is worth posting nevertheless. Over the next few weeks, there will be a series of sermons at my church on the topic of sexual sin. Apparently, a wide variety of subtopics will be covered, but when I asked one of the ministers whether the connection between delayed marriage and premarital sex would be discussed I didn't receive an answer (and I'm not holding my breath, because the ministers' theology regarding singleness is indeed flawed). In a nutshell, so far the ministers have told the singles in the congregation that they need to be chaste, and then they go on to talk about how great their own marital sex is. Grrrrrrrr!
Dear Captain,
Yes, the Christian singles service I joined was not cheap. However, after 6+ years of marriage and a child, it has got to be the BEST INVESTMENT I ever made!! And yes, I do think the church should offer at least partial financial assistance to single Christian women-- since the Church, with its GoS teachings bears a great deal of responsibility for the mess that single people find themselves in.
anonymous,
You sound as if the matchmaking service you talked about is an offline service. Am I right or is there more to it than that?
This is a very interesting article. I wanted to comment on a statment made that I did not agree with.
There is no more time to waste, if you are 25+.
I am 28 years old. I've heard this too many times. Am I supposed to go out here, grab a guy and tell them,"Quick, I'm have a deadline! I have to be married by 29!!! Let's go for it!" I'm not on a time table when it comes to marriage. This isn't Little House on the Prairie. Not everybody is married by 20, and have 3 kids by 26. The reality is that some people have not been lucky in love. They have loved and been rejected, myself included. Some do not find a lasting meaningful relationship until their 30s or 40s. That's ok!! It's hard enough being this age and single. It doesn't help when people put a time line in the mix. Please be more sensitive to others when you write statements like this.
Lady Travel - You said: "I'm not on a time table when it comes to marriage...Some do not find a lasting meaningful relationship until their 30s or 40s. That's ok!!"
Actually, no, it is not okay. There is a timetable that God created, and it is good. We have deluded ourselves that it is fine to wait until your 30s, 40s, beyond even, to get married.
This is a lie from the devil.
Aside from the difficulties that delay of marriage causes in both male and female fertility, there are other, more subtle, detrimental effects caused by the delay of marriage: a general unsettledness, prolonged loneliness, prolonged "adultlescence" (although this mainly affects men), a rollercoaster ride of "mini marriages" which end in "mini divorces" and much more.
I am sorry that you have experienced a turbulent personal life until now.
But you are still young enough to turn your life around before you face any degree of real desperation.
I would encourage you to do this. Not by "waiting on the Lord", but rather facing the reality of the difficulties involved in finding a Christian husband, and making yourself available to be pursued by men in the world. (Men that are believers who may just need a little encouragement, and who show signs of Godliness in the way they treat other people.)
Don't let your past relationship difficulties seduce you into believing the devil's lies that it is okay to remain single way beyond your youth.
May it a priority now.
Dear Captain,
There are two things I want to say. First, I've been thinking about it, and I want to say that if there are single men out there that are shy, and/or have really been beaten up by their Church leaders over the GoS, (Debbie Maken documented at least one such case in her book.) and the reason why they haven't found anyone is because they have been primarily discouraged from looking by the GoS teachings, then I believe that the Church should fund THEIR fees to join Christian single's organizations as well. Of course, if this ever happened it would be problematic and raise alot of issues. For example, I can see churches being upset if single women took their money, joined a service, and married someone that the church leaders maybe didn't think was "Christian" enough.
My other thought was in regards to the 25+ "you have no time to waste" comment.
You really do not have any time to waste if you are over 25. I didn't marry until I was 37. I wish Mrs. Maken's book had come out years earlier. The young women of today are fortunate, in that they are being told the truth about their social situation. I can understand why a 28 year old would be offended by the Captain's statement, but it is amazing how quickly the years go by. 28 becomes 29..30...32..33..35..and so on. The older you get, the harder it is to deal with protracted singleness. All Captain is trying to do is to make young women aware of this. No one is saying you have to grab someone off the street and marry them. Even though I was 36-37 years old, I would not have married my husband unless I had loved him and felt that he was "The One." It was amazing to me that, once I got into a more regular Christian environment, around men whose mind's had not been corrupted by GoS teachings, I had a much easier time of things, and was able to marry rather quickly. I wasted so many years thinking God was going to send someone falling out of the sky. I don't blame Captain for trying to make sure other women don't make that same mistake.
Shazia,
The matchmaking service I'm using does everything offline.
anonymous, that sounds better than an online one. I have way too many reasons for having reservations on the online versions.
"I can understand why a 28 year old would be offended by the Captain's statement, but it is amazing how quickly the years go by. 28 becomes 29..30...32..33..35..and so on. The older you get, the harder it is to deal with protracted singleness."
Lisa, I can attest to this.
When I was 23, I was not the least bit concerned about marriage, because I figured it would "happen" to me by the time I reached 30 (or very soon after).
Then at 25, I was still okay, because after all, I had five more years, right?
Well guess what... I was 29 with yet another failed dating relationship and no marriage prospects in sight... and now I began to get a little concerned. All the "singleness is a gift," "wait on the Lord," talk was starting to become repetitive, because it was the same thing people had been telling me for almost a decade.
So WHEN were things finally going to change?
I'm 30 and still single, but I read Maken's book last year and this blog, and I am actively pursuing marriage now. I said I didn't want to just "wait" and "enjoy" my singleness another five years and THEN get frantic because I'm near the end of my child-bearing years and STILL unmarried!
Time flies!!
Without wanting to depress everyone (but I think it's another truth that needs to be faced up to, frankly!), there are fewer and fewer men in the church the older you get. So by encouraging single women to "wait", the situation actually gets worse and worse while they are "waiting"! That's worse biologically, emotionally (as protracted singleness, and a heartbreak or two, take their toll), and practically.
Plus of course there is the other unspeakable truth! The best and most marriage-minded of the Christian men tend to get married young: in their youth, as the Bible says. There ARE exceptions to this, of course, but that's another reason why it's good not to "wait"!
What is the deal with all this talk about loads and loads of single available women at church?
I have been to lot's of different churches and this is pretty much what I see...
An ocean of senior citizens with a sprinkling of newly arrived immigrants and a handful of baby boomer families dragging their generation Y kids with them.
That's usually about it.
Loads of women in their 20's and 30's and 40's who are single and available? Huh? Get real.
JH - All I can say is both the statistics, and anecdotal evidence, point to a disproportionate number of men in our churches, compared to women.
Maybe you need to widen your net more? Perhaps there is some anomaly in your locality? Have you tried online dating, for example?
Having said that, I do think there are a number of women that are fleeing "the church", and basically doing church in different ways now. After all, if church leaders can't be trusted to tell the Biblical truth in such important area... (another benefit of false teaching to the destroyer, of course).
Came over from Amir.
"Having said that, I do think there are a number of women that are fleeing "the church", and basically doing church in different ways now."
Yep. And I'm one of them. The church is becoming hollow and shallow. My girls and I often leave hurt or upset or frustrated, and that totally ruins a "day of rest" for all three of us.
To be honest, for the first time in my life, I am unsure about church.
Ame - Without wanting to delve into too much detail, but just for the sake of clarity for those reading this blog, the girls you refer to are your daughters I take it.
Yes, my daughters are 10 and 8.
A week or so ago my Youngest said, "Mommy, we need to get back into church." I told her that what is most important is our relationship with Jesus. Then I asked her if going to church draws her closer to Jesus. And both my girls, without taking a breath, emphatically stated, "NO!" Honestly, I was shocked.
So I asked them what church does do for them. They told me it is a nice thing to do and they meet friends there.
"unchallenging women's and children's ministries"
Truth ... from the mouths of babes.
Just a comment about preparation. There are some of us men and women out there that are unable to marry for legitimate emotional reasons. For some, real healing must take place before we can hope for a healthy marriage relationship. For us, the time of singleness can be long and extracted. But in this time, it would be foolish to not atleast prepare for marriage. Save a nest egg. Try and understand women and their needs. Workout. Train ourselves to the spiritual leader of a home.
Hi Jonathan - Thanks very much for your comment.
I think you are right in that for some people, inner/emotional healing does need to take place.
Having said that, these people are few and far between. (Why is it that previous generations needed much less “healing” than the current one before they got married??)
I am primarily saying this because the idea that "God is preparing you...or him/her" is often dolled out as an excuse for protracted singleness.
Of course, seeing as none of us is perfect, there will always be something to point the finger at, so it's a bit of an impossible situation! When is one so totally emotionally whole that they are then fully "prepared" for marriage? I would say never! (And that's not an excuse to prolong singleness!)
So I think it's fair to say that for the vast majority of singles (and this blog really only can deal with generalities) there are other problems that are causing delay of marriage that are far more significant to the majority.
Also, whilst I wouldn't suggest that someone very damaged emotionally should leap into marriage, I think there is a lot to be said for the inner/emotional healing that can come through marriage.
God created Eve as a "lifesaver" helpmeet - so for men and women to struggle to achieve some kind of emotional nirvana on their own, instead of utilising the helper God says we all need, seems a bit silly to me.
With regard to preparing for marriage, again, I think this is just a bit overstated. We all are in the process of transformation to become more Christlike. At the heart of "preparing for marriage" it really just boils down to becoming more Christlike (eg. being prudent with finances, taking care of the temple of the Holy Spirit etc.), there’s no need for all the Christian singleness pundits to make a song and dance over this! (Incidentally, I thought it was hilarious when Carolyn McCulley did a series on "preparing for marriage", in which she interviewed several married couples. If my memory doesn’t fail me, every one of them said that you actually couldn’t really prepare for marriage! Still - and you have to admire her dogged resiliance! - she continued to ask them how best to prepare for marriage.. ;-))
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