Super-Stupid Quote Of The Day: #3
Captain Sensible writes: Oh how could I have missed this little gem yesterday when I was flicking through "Common Mistakes Singles Make" by Mary S Whelchel! What a prize comment it is!
"There are many advantages to the single lifestyle, and I think they outweigh the disadvantages."
Ms Whelchel (who, by the way, is a divorced mother of one daughter -- so let's just understand where she is coming from with regard to her "singleness"), then goes on to say:
"Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself because of some aspect of my single lifestyle -- like having no one to help me lug the bags of salt for the water softner to the basement or no one to go to dinner with me on a moment's notice -- I simply remind myself of how wonderful it is not to have to report to anyone concerning how I spend my discretionary time or money. How nice it is not to have to feel guilty if my schedule doesn't fit in with someone else's. How much time I save because I don't have the responsibilities of having to cook meals on a regular basis, and on and on.
"I'm quite certain my married friends, though they might not admit it, would love to have some of these luxuries of the single lifestyle again."
I love the attitude this reveals with regard to marriage, which apparently amounts to nothing more than having someone to lug bags of salt for you and enjoy spontaneous meals out with! Yes, of course. That is why God uses the illustration of marriage to describe His relationship with us. Never mind the mysteries of sacrificial love that transcend understanding! No, God wants us to view our relationship with Him as one of convenient, last minute dinner opportunities and occasional service activities!
And just look at the language here to describe the joining of two beings into one: It's about "report(ing)" to someone over "my" discretionary time and money, it's about "feel(ing) guilty" if "my" schedule doesn't "fit in" with someone else's, it's about "having to" do certain things. And apparently there is so much more too that is better about singleness! The benefits of the "wonderful" single lifestyle seemingly go "on and on"!
Where is the love that a married couple experience mentioned here? Where is the profound sharing of a deep and lasting bond to build a God-honouring life together? Where is the life-saving "helpmeet" that is described in Genesis? Where is the wonder of the marital relationship that offers a glimpse into that which exists between Christ and the church?
Apparently these things are not worthy of a mention! They simply pale into insignificance compared to the "luxuries of the single lifestyle"! No Christian writer or church leader would ever dare mention them. It's probably grounds for excommunication!
Why is THE CHURCH doing this to marriage?
And oh, how at the same time we like to talk about how our society devalues marriage!
Quite frankly, I think the likes of Hello and OK magazine are more like salt and light with regard to marriage than the church is!
Christian authors really must stop denigrating marriage and elevating singleness in this way.
And Christian women, if you don't like the single lifestyle being criticised, if you want to be affirmed in your singleness, then quit moaning that you are unhappy about being single, pick up your Carolyn McCulley book again and learn to be content!
Please try biting your tongue and seeing the bigger picture here.
Affiriming the state of singleness for those that can admittedly do little (not nothing -- little) about it, is also affirming the lifestyle of those that can do a lot about it, but simply choose not to.
You simply cannot have it both ways, and you are your own worst enemy when you bleat about not wanting to be made to feel like a "second-class"citizen of the Kingdom of God. (Like that is even in question anyway!)
Decide what you want and put up or shut up.
"There are many advantages to the single lifestyle, and I think they outweigh the disadvantages."
Ms Whelchel (who, by the way, is a divorced mother of one daughter -- so let's just understand where she is coming from with regard to her "singleness"), then goes on to say:
"Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself because of some aspect of my single lifestyle -- like having no one to help me lug the bags of salt for the water softner to the basement or no one to go to dinner with me on a moment's notice -- I simply remind myself of how wonderful it is not to have to report to anyone concerning how I spend my discretionary time or money. How nice it is not to have to feel guilty if my schedule doesn't fit in with someone else's. How much time I save because I don't have the responsibilities of having to cook meals on a regular basis, and on and on.
"I'm quite certain my married friends, though they might not admit it, would love to have some of these luxuries of the single lifestyle again."
I love the attitude this reveals with regard to marriage, which apparently amounts to nothing more than having someone to lug bags of salt for you and enjoy spontaneous meals out with! Yes, of course. That is why God uses the illustration of marriage to describe His relationship with us. Never mind the mysteries of sacrificial love that transcend understanding! No, God wants us to view our relationship with Him as one of convenient, last minute dinner opportunities and occasional service activities!
And just look at the language here to describe the joining of two beings into one: It's about "report(ing)" to someone over "my" discretionary time and money, it's about "feel(ing) guilty" if "my" schedule doesn't "fit in" with someone else's, it's about "having to" do certain things. And apparently there is so much more too that is better about singleness! The benefits of the "wonderful" single lifestyle seemingly go "on and on"!
Where is the love that a married couple experience mentioned here? Where is the profound sharing of a deep and lasting bond to build a God-honouring life together? Where is the life-saving "helpmeet" that is described in Genesis? Where is the wonder of the marital relationship that offers a glimpse into that which exists between Christ and the church?
Apparently these things are not worthy of a mention! They simply pale into insignificance compared to the "luxuries of the single lifestyle"! No Christian writer or church leader would ever dare mention them. It's probably grounds for excommunication!
Why is THE CHURCH doing this to marriage?
And oh, how at the same time we like to talk about how our society devalues marriage!
Quite frankly, I think the likes of Hello and OK magazine are more like salt and light with regard to marriage than the church is!
Christian authors really must stop denigrating marriage and elevating singleness in this way.
And Christian women, if you don't like the single lifestyle being criticised, if you want to be affirmed in your singleness, then quit moaning that you are unhappy about being single, pick up your Carolyn McCulley book again and learn to be content!
Please try biting your tongue and seeing the bigger picture here.
Affiriming the state of singleness for those that can admittedly do little (not nothing -- little) about it, is also affirming the lifestyle of those that can do a lot about it, but simply choose not to.
You simply cannot have it both ways, and you are your own worst enemy when you bleat about not wanting to be made to feel like a "second-class"citizen of the Kingdom of God. (Like that is even in question anyway!)
Decide what you want and put up or shut up.
posted by Captain Sensible at 5:25 AM
13 Comments:
Thanks Jo for sending me the info re the article on marriage. I will look at it in its entirety, and then post on it here.
Thank you for reading the blog!
Captain, has anyone considered the possibility that the epidemic of protracted singleness in our generation might be a curse that needs to be broken? If you consider the spiritual impact the cultural revolutions of the 60's had on our nation's moral compass especially where sex and the family unit are involved, it would seem that might be the case. It is possible that many of the moral issues we face in the church and world today might be due to the "spiritual fallout" from those times. I am not implying that singles are all cursed, but that it may be a spiritual issue each of us needs to take before the Lord and ask Him about. I know it is easy to write things off as "God's timing" or life in general, which of course, it could be in certain cases, however, many issues have a sin/spiritual root as well. Not trying to sound spooky or extreme here, but just a thought.
"There are many advantages to the single lifestyle, and I think they outweigh the disadvantages."
Yeah ok, lets take a look at those 'advantages'
I live on my own in my one bedroomed flat, i just love coming home to my four walls and the same old same old crap on my tv of an evening and having absolutely no-one to tell about my day. : (. I love having to have new and inventive ways of amusing myself and my entertainment for that evening. Perhaps i should be just concentrating on praying for my 'God given' partner to turn up. You can have loads of wonderful and fantastic friends to go out with but you still come home to that 'emptyness' Of course God designed this for us!! He wants us all to be lonely. Yeah right, get real, are we not about relationship and love? I know Jesus was. Absolute tosh and nonsense!! We are all called to bring the good news of the Gospel and how do we do that if not thru relationship. God is love and in our relationship with him we must search out love. We are commanded to: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself. Its quite simple to me - singleness sucks bigtime.!!
one thing i don't quite understand: if singleness is the better way, then eventually (if assuming everyone who was advised to stay single remains single...i am exaggerating a hypothetical situation to prove a point) there would be no christians left to bring the good news of the Gospel to anyone. the human race would die out (well at least among christians)...it's as if people are advocating the elimination of human race (sorry if this sounds facetious or anything)
by the way this is the only blog yet (well there might be another out there) that depicts exactly how frustrated i am with this singleness issue. even though i wish there was something i feel i could do about this frustration, it doesn't preclude me from being glad that there are people out there who can't seem to stand their frustratedness in feeling "alone" from their singleness.
Vincenzo - I think there could be something in what you are saying.
Raggedy Ann - I am glad you have found the blog - God bless you.
Have a look at www.debbiemaken.blogspot.com too, and do try to read Debbie Maken's book: "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness."
On a different note, I believe there are things you can do:
1) Do the things Debbie suggests in her book (ie primarily ask others to "scout" for you)
2) Begin challenging wrong teaching when you come across it in your church etc (good to read Debbie's book first so you'll know how to answer people!)
3) It is my PERSONAL view that Christian women should start looking outside of church circles for a BELIEVING man. The Bible says we should not be yoked with unbelievers, but there are a lot of believing men in the world that would make great husbands and may just need encouragement in their faith. It's not an ideal situation, but it is a practical, and in my view, biblical option that is open to Christian women.
hi captain, i have read the blog for debbie maken's blog site, it is pretty good. the only problem is that it makes me very depressed to the point where i can't stop thinking about it, and i don't want my frustration to completely take over my life. i am very close to thinking about picking up her book and reading it but for the same reasons i just expressed, i am afraid that i will get so depressed reading it that i won't be able to stop thinking about it and it will overtake my mind. maybe when i feel just a little bit stronger i will pick it up and read it, but for the time being what i will do is look over her blog.
whoops what do you mean by ''believing'' men? do you mean men who are not necessarily christians? that would feel like a very lonely marriage to me :( i am someone who just became christian not too long ago and i think it would be best if the husband were christian too so i could grow in my faith better, in a marriage.
So many women in so much pain!
Be assured you are not alone in how you feel, or wrong to feel it. Women are so often told that they mustn't feel this way -- it's just not allowed! -- and that merely amplifies the pain, anger and frustration. Only if they can swallow the placebo drug of the "gift of singleness" can they dupe themselves into some form of fragile contentment.
I pray that God the Comforter will comfort you in a way that is beyond understanding.
With regard to the point that I made with regard to believing men, I would simply say this: There are many men who believe in God, believe in Jesus, would call themselves Christian, do pray, and have a compassionate heart filled with love for others. But they don't go to church, they don't know the Bible very well, and they are in desperate need of the prayers and encouragement of a loving Christian wife to help them become a true, strong man of God.
Depending on many variables, such as your age and location (ie. here in the UK there is a huge gap between the numbers of church-going men and church-going women, and it just gets worse with age. So much for telling Christian women to wait and wait, when actually, the situation only gets worse with waiting!), it may be wise to look "beyond the harvest that has already been cultivated", as someone once shared with me from a dream they had.
I really enjoyed it when you took skeletons out of Whelchel's closet [i.e. the fact that she is divorced] and beat her with them. Rather arrogant on your part, don't you think?
Unless you know something I do not, Whelchel's divorce should not be an issue in your post. I am quite sure she would agree.
Observer: It wasn't a skeleton out of the closet. It was in her book that I quoted from.
Neither did I use the fact that she was divorced to beat her with it. For all I know it could have been on Biblical grounds, and even if -- IF -- it wasn't, the details of her divorce are not the issue.
What IS the issue is that she is writing as from the perspective of "one single to another" (her words) but is in fact a divorced mother. She has no idea of the pain of barren, protracted singleness.
THAT is the pertinent point, and there was no arrogance on my part in clarifying that.
I would argue that the arrogance is on her part in assuming that she can give advice to women that are dealing with barren spinsterhood as if from a personal perspective, when that is far from the case.
by the way i have 2 christian friends in my offline life who espouse (no pun intended) the opinion that it is a sin to be discontent to be single. one of those friends is married, and she said to me once that marriage is a desire, not a need. i swear she did. she said that just because God designed me to be a wife and/or mother, doesn't mean i will be one. (yeah like i don't need to be reminded) she herself has told me how much agony she went through during her single years and i never heard her say ONCE that she was ever content with her singleness. yet she says that i have to learn to be satisfied with my status as being single because people don't always get what they want in life. it's not as if i want this really cool doll at the toy store or something. it's not as if I don't honor God enough. it seems as if the closer i get to a relationship with God, the more i WANT marriage because i get closer and closer to the entity that CREATED marriage in the first place so naturally the stronger my relationship is to God, the more i will want the very thing He created.
"it seems as if the closer i get to a relationship with God, the more i WANT marriage because i get closer and closer to the entity that CREATED marriage in the first place so naturally the stronger my relationship is to God, the more i will want the very thing He created."
Great comment!
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