Debbie Maken and Candice Watters
Captain Sensible writes: Anyone stuggling with wondering if marriage is God's will for them, or -- heaven forbid -- if God has given them the gift of singleness, you can stop it right now! Read Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness", and Candice Watters' "Get Married: What women can do to help it happen". (And don't forget the archives on this blog too...!)
posted by Captain Sensible at 12:21 AM
4 Comments:
Thanks for airing this topic. I concur.
Being almost 48, and contending with my single-life treadmill of supporting myself in full-time work, then running my own household alone in the few evening and weekend hours that are left (and while fatigued), and having no family support to speak of, as well as being the only Christian adult in my family, I can tell you that it leaves little time for ministry.
And having no one to team with, for ideas, expertise, complementary gifts, affection and encouragement, and sheer brawn, makes everything harder.
This single life keeps me mentally stretched, short on time, physically tired, and often frazzled, so that the time that I do spend in God's word, in prayer, or in ministering, is not as effective as I wish.
Some women may be amazons or superwomen, who can subsist on a little ramen noodles, or canned soup, and wear the same clothes for days, so that they need not spend much time cooking or cleaning, thereby affording much time for ministry.
But for those of us who are truly "weaker vessels," I am a firm believer in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (as also in the rest of the Bible, of course):
"9 Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up." (NKJV)
Indeed, two will have a good reward for their labor, since they work as a team, have complementary gifts, and enjoy economies of scale (example: only one of the two needs to make the trip to the grocery store, or stand over the stove. Only one partner needs to wash the car or take out the trash, at any given time. The other is then freed up, to be engaged in other pursuits. And there is a monetary savings, for example, in sharing one household.)
Not only this, but if God said it is not good for a big, strong, broad-shouldered man of perfect health and pristine mind, as Adam was, to be alone, can anyone imagine that He thinks it good for the modern "weaker vessel" to be alone? God did not make her equipped to blaze her own trail, because He did not make her for that purpose. He made her dependent, since it was for a lifestyle of union to the stronger man that she was made.
(Not that she is not strong - but just that he is stronger - especially for cetain things - and he was placed in a position of protectiveness over her.)
Now, granted, there are situations where the man becomes disabled, etc. But hopefully, then, the combined families will fulfill God's purpose as well (I know they often don't), and step in to help the wife look after her disabled husband. Well, at least that would be the godly design.
But for anyone to imagine that God made Adam to need a woman, but not woman to need a man - it just doesn't make sense!
I was raised to think I ought to attain to all the professional success my father attained to, but without the help of a faithful partner - even though my father had an excellent, industrious, wife whom he credits with his success! Wow, what a delusion, especially with being a female and of weaker physical constitution. It has been a losing battle.
We Christians feed a similar delusion to each other, imagining that one can be more successful in ministry without a partner to support us. Especially for a woman, this is a delusion. Perhaps a man can be strong enough, can live the bachelor life of TV dinners, and feel no ill effects for many years. Perhaps sometimes he is better single, being able to pursue a more rugged and changeable life.
But the weaker vessel will seldom be a successful minister without support. I know there are exceptions, I know there are women who have done remarkable things alone - but they are indeed exceptions.
And in a household, there is no substitute for that household's manager being onsite more than 4 - 5 hours a day! Continuity in household management affords better planning, more efficient use of resources, better organization, more creativity, etc. This, combined with teamwork and economies of scale, is bound to result in less strain to each of the partners, and more energy and time left for studying God's word, serious prayer, and ministering to others. Not to mention savings of money through good management!
If anyone reading this feels moved to pray for me (and for other unwilling Christian singles, indeed!), I would be grateful, and am not ashamed to take this opportunity to ask for prayer. I do not come from a Christian home, and so I don't enjoy a heritage of elder family members being able to effectively pray for me.
A wife and mother is hardly a lady of ease, but I hope that the above outlines some of the advantages over the single, self-supporting lady contending alone in the world.
Lastly, may I please commend to married readers and pastors that you go out of your way to look in on your older singles (especially on the females, but on the men too)? Make sure they are doing all right. Invite them to partake of some of your activities. Offer to lend them a hand with their chores from time to time. Please do not assume they are self-sufficient or content, or that they would feel comfortable asking for help or for companionship. The onus is on the "haves" to reach out to the "have-nots." If such charity is not found in the body of Christ, where is it to be found? I challenge the happily married ones to rise to the occasion, and show toward singles the reaching-out love of Christ, just as He came from heaven, not because we asked, but because He looked beyond Himself to see our need, and to unilaterally move in our direction.
May the Lord bless each reader, whether married or single, with two being better than one!
Bless you Vicki.
Btw, please make yourself available to be pursued (outside of church circles) by a believing man that will appreciate the blessings you would bring as his wife.
A very useful thing to do is to look to see what fruit he is bearing in his life, and if you can see evidence of the Holy Spirit at work: Is he kind and caring, especially towards his own family and the disadvantaged in the community? Does he hate to see injustice?
These things are far better indicators of a Godly man than church attendance...
Well, it's nice of you to reply, Captain Sensible, but I'll not fall into that trap of pragmatism - making myself available outside church circles. If he's not committed enough to join a church, then he's not committed enough to husband me either. Kindness and caring and the social gospel and all that, this will not take the place of the doctrine that is essential to salvation, to the public accountability and to sitting under sound preaching. It would be prideful for a man to think he does not need this. Further, I was made warmly aware that my church's Saturday men's prayer group spends a big segment of their time studying together how they ought to treat their wives. If my suitor is not a member of such a group, then he may as well go court some woman who doesn't care, because I do. So, thanks, but I'll keep my standards, while at the same time heartily agreeing with you that singleness is no gift, in most circumstances, and that yes, marriage seems to be God's will for most, even if many wriggle away from it.
Thank you for your response Vicki. And thanks for the opportunity to examine this area in a little more detail.
If I may, there are a couple of things I would like to say in response to your last comment.
(And these apply not specifically to you but are my opinions in this area generally.)
1) We need to distinguish between what is a Biblical instruction, and what is our personal preference.
The Biblical instruction regarding a spouse is that s/he needs to be a believer. Anything we add to that is our own personal preference. Nothing wrong with that. But we just need to be clear that that is all it is. A preference.
2) There simply are not enough men in church circles for all the women that need husbands. Carl Beech, head of the movement Christian Vision for Men, calls this situation "heartbreaking" and "absolutely catastrophic". So by limiting their potential spouses to church-goers only, probably around two out of every three single Christian women will remain single and childless. The churches are simply not making men's outreach the urgent priority it should be (for the sake of the entire Body, not just the single women), so it's up to the women themselves to basically evangelise for their own husbands. I wouldn't recommend getting involved with a man who is not a believer. That would be risky. But a man who believes in God, and bears the fruit of the Spirit in the way he leads his life, but has never been to church, or has been put off church because of the bad image the church has (esp here in the UK)? Such a man would make a wonderful husband!
I guess that's it in a nutshell, but I will be writing another post that will include this subject very soon! God bless you Vicki.
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