Unequally yoked with unbelievers
Captain Sensible writes: I received the following comment from Celia, and I think it is so important that I would like to address it as a post. I am not saying that I have the definitive answer, but I would like it to be something for consideration.
"Captain, I suppose what puts us girls off finding 'men in the world' to encourage them in their faith is the whole thing of not being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
For my part, I'm so into Church and God, I have a hard time imagining any real common ground anyway with a worldly man not into his faith."
I think the crux of the matter is a) What does the Bible say? b) How should we understand that? c) Are we adding more to the Bible than what is there? d) What is a Biblical instruction and what is our own personal preference? e) How do we apply all this in our lives?
So to begin at the beginning, here's that passage (2 Corinthians 6: 14-18) in the King James Version:
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.
And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty."
So we can see here there is a very clear distinction between what is good and what is bad. There is no room for shading. Either someone is a believer (good!) or they are not (bad!).
Okay, so what is a "believer"? I think a believer is one who believes in God (the God of the Bible) and who believes that Jesus died so that we may be reconciled to God through atonement for our sins, and that He is alive today at the right hand of God.
Now, how do we apply this?
Let's be honest, there are a lot of men in the world that would fit this category of believer. They believe in God, they pray and they would probably identify themselves as a Christian, or "Church of England". They may not understand the term "atonement" and they may have a wrong impression altogether of Jesus as some meek and mild hippy. But at least the basic conditions for a Biblical marriage could well be met with just the smallest of encouragement.
Of course, it is every Christian woman's preference to meet a man who is mature in his faith already. But we have to face the reality that most are unlikely to find such a man. If he was brought up a Christian, he would probably have married very young (early 20s). If he has reached even his mid-late 20s without finding a wife, the chances are he has some personal issues that are not being dealt with.
And as the church has stopped outreaching to men in favour of women and children's ministries, there are very few men that come into the church in adulthood.
Given that most churches are failing in this area, and combine it with what I believe is a duty to marry, we have the answer to both problems at our fingertips. Women need to date men from outside the church that fit the minimum criteria of believer. (So I am not talking about even dating, never mind marrying, a man of another faith, or of no faith.) Using wisdom and discernment, she will soon see if there is marriage potential there, and she can do a lot to encourage him, whilst also constantly keeping him and her actions in prayer, and preferably with an accountability partner too.
One word of caution that has recently come to light (this whole theory is an evolving one): A man in the world may be a believer and so a suitable candidate for dating and then possibly marriage, but if he has reached around his mid-30s without marrying, then the chances are he has a problem, most likely to do with commitment. This is not to rule him out, but you would need to be prepared to discover if he is also marriage-minded. Strange though it sounds, through observation I consider that a man who is divorced is in many ways a better proposition for marriage than one who has never married and is 35+. This does not fit the fairytale, but we are dealing with reality, right? The reason for his divorce may be due to his ex-wife's infidelity or desertion.
You will have a lot to discover should you embark on this path, and the route to marriage is a very rocky one in this day and age. But it is worth the spiritual, emotional, physical and financial investment as nothing on earth can compare to marriage. And that's not what I am saying, but what I believe the Bible says.
So - hopefully there is food for thought here?
I just would like to encourage consideration on this issue, rather than the blanket: "If he's not a church-attending, Scripture-quoting, tongue-speaking man, who is on fire for the Lord, don't even date him!"
It grieves me no end when church leaders say things like this to women (and the women agree because of course that's what they want anyway!), but then they refuse to lift a finger to do the work to find and encourage these men themselves.
That's why it now falls on the women themselves to do this work, if they desire a Godly husband. Besides, it is the duty of every Christian to outreach. Our churches seem to prefer this to focus on the women and especially the children. The single Christian women must then focus on the men.
"Captain, I suppose what puts us girls off finding 'men in the world' to encourage them in their faith is the whole thing of not being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
For my part, I'm so into Church and God, I have a hard time imagining any real common ground anyway with a worldly man not into his faith."
I think the crux of the matter is a) What does the Bible say? b) How should we understand that? c) Are we adding more to the Bible than what is there? d) What is a Biblical instruction and what is our own personal preference? e) How do we apply all this in our lives?
So to begin at the beginning, here's that passage (2 Corinthians 6: 14-18) in the King James Version:
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.
And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty."
So we can see here there is a very clear distinction between what is good and what is bad. There is no room for shading. Either someone is a believer (good!) or they are not (bad!).
Okay, so what is a "believer"? I think a believer is one who believes in God (the God of the Bible) and who believes that Jesus died so that we may be reconciled to God through atonement for our sins, and that He is alive today at the right hand of God.
Now, how do we apply this?
Let's be honest, there are a lot of men in the world that would fit this category of believer. They believe in God, they pray and they would probably identify themselves as a Christian, or "Church of England". They may not understand the term "atonement" and they may have a wrong impression altogether of Jesus as some meek and mild hippy. But at least the basic conditions for a Biblical marriage could well be met with just the smallest of encouragement.
Of course, it is every Christian woman's preference to meet a man who is mature in his faith already. But we have to face the reality that most are unlikely to find such a man. If he was brought up a Christian, he would probably have married very young (early 20s). If he has reached even his mid-late 20s without finding a wife, the chances are he has some personal issues that are not being dealt with.
And as the church has stopped outreaching to men in favour of women and children's ministries, there are very few men that come into the church in adulthood.
Given that most churches are failing in this area, and combine it with what I believe is a duty to marry, we have the answer to both problems at our fingertips. Women need to date men from outside the church that fit the minimum criteria of believer. (So I am not talking about even dating, never mind marrying, a man of another faith, or of no faith.) Using wisdom and discernment, she will soon see if there is marriage potential there, and she can do a lot to encourage him, whilst also constantly keeping him and her actions in prayer, and preferably with an accountability partner too.
One word of caution that has recently come to light (this whole theory is an evolving one): A man in the world may be a believer and so a suitable candidate for dating and then possibly marriage, but if he has reached around his mid-30s without marrying, then the chances are he has a problem, most likely to do with commitment. This is not to rule him out, but you would need to be prepared to discover if he is also marriage-minded. Strange though it sounds, through observation I consider that a man who is divorced is in many ways a better proposition for marriage than one who has never married and is 35+. This does not fit the fairytale, but we are dealing with reality, right? The reason for his divorce may be due to his ex-wife's infidelity or desertion.
You will have a lot to discover should you embark on this path, and the route to marriage is a very rocky one in this day and age. But it is worth the spiritual, emotional, physical and financial investment as nothing on earth can compare to marriage. And that's not what I am saying, but what I believe the Bible says.
So - hopefully there is food for thought here?
I just would like to encourage consideration on this issue, rather than the blanket: "If he's not a church-attending, Scripture-quoting, tongue-speaking man, who is on fire for the Lord, don't even date him!"
It grieves me no end when church leaders say things like this to women (and the women agree because of course that's what they want anyway!), but then they refuse to lift a finger to do the work to find and encourage these men themselves.
That's why it now falls on the women themselves to do this work, if they desire a Godly husband. Besides, it is the duty of every Christian to outreach. Our churches seem to prefer this to focus on the women and especially the children. The single Christian women must then focus on the men.
posted by Captain Sensible at 1:32 AM
11 Comments:
Captain, I applaud you for contesting the gift of singleness and I always will, but pardon my bluntness here: the proposal of marrying a nominal believer is nothing short of foolish. Do you honestly believe that you can marry a man to change him? Even within secular circles, this type of advice, to marry a man in the hopes that he will be changed, is strongly chastised. Even worldly people know this is wrong.
Yes, a lot of people who go to church may be superficial Christians. But a truly, deeply committed person who believes in God will probably WANT to find some way to go to church. Where there is a will, there is a way, they say.
Worldly men just won't have the same ideas in faith and morals as we do, and it is naive to assume that we can attempt to change these men so we can mold them into marriage material. It is not the woman's job to lead the men into spiritual maturity. It is, rather, the man's job to be the spiritual leader of the home. No, he does not have to be a quasi Jesus. If they are not interested enough in faith before marriage, then it is not going to change after marriage. Rather, it will become even more embedded. If such a change occurs, it would have to be a very rare thing.
If you have felt this way for so long, how come you are not searching for nominal Christian men, in bars, nightclubs, what have you? Merely saying that you believe in Jesus Christ and His atonement for our sins, is not enough, if they do not manifest that belief in their actions. Faith without actions is dead, as the book of James implies, and if the man shows no ambition of resurrecting a faith that he shows nothing but apathy to, then good luck on one's marriage.
Shazia - Thank you for being blunt!
We all need a bit more blunt honesty in Christian circles on this subject. We have a lot to thrash out together in this post-"gift of singleness" period in contemporary church!
I do disagree with you though.
It may be different in the US (although not that different I understand), but even if you literally gave every single man in church a wife, there would still be about three or four other single women left barren and alone for the rest of their life.
That's the reality, and that is the fruit of the church's continual neglect to outreach to men.
So let's just understand the situation as it is, not as how we wish it were.
For the vast majority of single Christian women, it is not a case of choosing between a strong believer, or a weaker believer in need of encouragement. It is a case of a weaker believer that you can encourage, or staying single. And if you think that's bad in your 20s...!!!
I would also actually argue that the choice between marrying a strong or weak believer is not Biblical. We are called to be fruitful and multiply and we are also called to marry believers. Choosing only to marry strong believers - it could possibly be argued? - may be unbiblical and ignoring the many exhortations throughout God's word to marry.
We also need to be honest about the perception of "church" in the world. Admittedly, it may be worse in the UK, but most men regard church as being either full of hypocrites or little old ladies. Unless they personally know a Christian as an adult, they are likely not to understand that they should go to church, never mind want to go to such a place! They believe in God, they pray to Him, they try to be a good person. They honestly do not know that they need to do any more. And no one is bothering to engage with them!
You may be surprised at the level of morality amongst men in the world. Yes, of course, there are some men you wouldn't want to get involved with. But actually, contrary to the myth, they are not all only interested in going to bed with you! (Although some men in church circles might well be - there are bad apples there too!)
And their morality can be seen in many ways, not just "going to church". Are they kind towards other people? Helpful? Involved in some charity work maybe? In a vocational job? There are many ways of seeing the Spirit at work, not just in what they do on a Sunday morning, and you can respect the way they live their entire life.
It's not really a case of trying to "change" a person. But there is a Biblical perspective to letting your faith and actions be a persuasive influence. I would however caution against getting involved with someone of no faith or another faith, as I said before. That way, even if nothing changes, you are still being Biblical if you do fall in love and end up wanting to marry them. It would be dangerous to let your emotions become entangled with someone who doesn't meet the Biblical criteria.
I think what I am saying is we have to be realistic. Yes, I know God is greater than statistics. But we are also told to be wise and not put God to the test. My fear is that women leave it too late to start looking outside church circles, and then the whole thing is made harder. There is a greater pressure from the Godly design of the biological clock, and most of the good men in the world too would have married.
My honest opinion - being blunt - is that Christian women that are not married by the age of 25, need to start looking outside of church circles right away. Yes, still go to Christian singles events and so on when they can. But don't limit themselves to just that.
I do believe this will have a positive effect on the men in church too - once they realise they have competition from the men in the world, they will soon step up! And as more men come into the church through this route, the church as a whole will benefit as they will bring some much needed testosterone to the church body!
Really, it is not a case of men in the world being apathetic. Sadly, it is the men in church that are apathetic.
Okay, I am open to again being challenged on this please!
Shazia,
I think what Captain Sensible has said about nominal Christian men not knowing any Christians, and not knowing that they should go to church, and that there is no one to encourage them is exactly right. There is a lot of judgementalism in the Evangelical world against people who are not Evangelical, and this deeply saddens me. Not everyone is raised in an Evangelical home! My husband's mother did the best she could, I think she did a great job, but she herself is what I would call a "nominal Christian." My husband reads his Bible every day, and prays every day. He never misses. My faith before I married him had always been expressed in terms of "doing" things like attending church, volunteering for causes, etc. So, I have learned alot from him.
I was 36 years old before I stopped waiting for that perfect spirit filled Christian man to fall out of the sky. I freely admit that my life is not what a lot of Christian women today dream about, BUT, I'm also here to say that you can be really, really, happy in a life that isn't exactly perfect. I would never go back to the life I had before. I just refused to believe that "God's Best" for me was to allow myself to sit around and go barren. I do pray for you, Shazia, and I really hope things will work out for you. Captain, I think you are really on the right track, and I would just encourage you in what you are doing. I imagine it really is an uphill battle, trying to get your points across. It really is difficult, because the minute you say, "nominal believer" or "weak believer" everyone assumes it's "unbeliever." I wish more people would be willing to consider that we are all imperfect people, we are all sinners, and there is no one who is "strong" not compared to our Lord and Saviour anyway. Good Luck to you, and Best Wishes.
Thank you, Lisa. It is an uphill battle, that's for sure. :-) I just hope and pray that what I am saying is correct.
Btw, I didn't mention one other trait to look for in a weaker believer, which I think is really indicative of a heart where the Holy Spirit is at work. If he stands up to injustices, then he's a gem! (And he would probably put a lot of "strong" Christian men to shame!)
Hi Lisa,
I know I may have come off as rude, which I didn't want to happen. I am happy that you and Captain did not take me to task for my bluntness.
I can't really make up my mind about how I feel regarding the nominal/weak believer aspect. I guess I have somewhat strong feelings about this because I myself am not mature in my faith yet and not a confident believer (though a DEFINITE believer), and it could be years before I attain the level of confidence and maturity in my faith, so for me, marrying a nominal/weak believer would only aggravate the problem.
And this is coming from someone who feels like I've lost hope. Not to sound over the top or anything, but there is never one day in which I don't think of "ending it" because of the pain of being single. I don't have the guts to do this because of several reasons and not to worry, I don't think that I ever would have the guts, but I want to take caution. Yes, it's that painful. I struggle not to engage in habitual gluttony every day, because food is such a comforting thing. I have no one to spend time with on weekends and weeknights. Every Saturday that comes, I ask myself, "Today is Saturday, shouldn't I be getting married today? It's a Saturday." The pain is so bad that I wonder if I was created on this earth simply to suffer and then go to hell (no offense but no lecture on Once Saved Always Saved, please!). I long for the day that I can get some respite from this hellish depression I have from this loneliness but I truly don't think it will happen. I'm almost 28 and the time is passing by at light speed, it seems, with no relief on the horizon. And even THEN, I still get reservations about marrying a weak/nominal believer because marriage is an indissoluble union and I do not want to make a mistake in marrying the "wrong" person...
Sorry for rambling.
Shazia, my heart bleeds for you.
It seems, from what you have shared here and before, the pain of singleness is magnified due to a difficult home and life situation generally.
Shazia, I feel totally inadequate, but I would like to make a radical suggestion! (Radical because this is not the sort of thing I would usually say!) But here's what I suggest:
I think, at the moment, focussing on your singleness is not helpful for you.
You know, the dating "game" (ha!) can be very brutal. It is normal to face rejection and maybe have your heart broken. It happens to the best of us! So my concern would be that having a relationship that didn't work out, will leave you terribly, dangerously low.
My radical suggestion is...give yourself a year off! Shazia you are still SO young, you do have the luxury of the time to do this. Many women don't have their eyes opened until they are more than a decade older than you! (In fact, you are even younger than I remembered!) Honestly, I think focussing on singleness is not helping you at the moment. Giving yourself a year off will allow you to focus on other areas of your life, and then when you are stronger and in a better position, you will be able to focus back on your romantic life from a much stronger place. And you will still not even be 30!!!
Please give this some consideration. I am no expert (about anything!) but I do know that you are young enough not to feel any sense of desperation about all this.
And to say you have lost hope....please! That's nonsense practically-speaking, and more importantly spiritually-speaking. Shazia, some women need a miracle, and it's a jolly good job our God is the God of miracles and that nothing is impossible for Him! You are not one of those women! But you may need to make some general life changes which will benefit you. Er, think about it this way: there is a time for sowing and a time for reaping. Maybe you need to prepare the ground right now, so that you will be sowing from good soil very soon?
And please, please, please, keep your spiritual life strong. Get any offers of prayer from friends that you can! (Don't ask for prayers about your singleness! It will only make you madder when they start praying for you to be content with the gift of singleness!) Just ask for general healing, guidance, filling of the Holy Spirit, protection etc prayers. And force yourself, by a sheer act of will, to pray. I know how hard it is when you are feeling down. But please, MAKE YOURSELF DO IT!!! If "prayer" is too hard, just let your feelings pour out to Jesus as if you were talking to a friend. Which of course you are... :-)
Shazia,
Is there any way I can comfort you in private? You may send me your email at my blog.
Debbie Maken
Interestingly, I was at a seminar today where they said the "unequally yoked" really referred to business/money and not marriage.
Not sure if I am convinced, but the gist of my argument is there is no need to be yoked with unbelievers in marriage anyway. There are a lot of men out there that are, in essence, believers, but just not church-goers. And frankly, given the perception of church that they have, who can blame them? I wouldn't want to go to a place that I perceived to be full of child molesters, hypocrites, homophobes and little old ladies! The blame lies solely with the church for not attempting to correct this erroneous perception.
What the church needs is for women to face the negative emotions they are actually feeling and stop being in denial, and to collectively get VERY ANGRY with their ministers.
Anger is not sinful. Anger is crucial for dealing with a thorn in the flesh or indeed any pain or injustice.
There needs to be some kind of national Christian forum to deal with this issue, and we need to actually work to invite as many Christian leaders as we can, and have questionnaires, asking them exactly what they know about the single Christian men in their own congregations.
"What the church needs is for women to face the negative emotions they are actually feeling and stop being in denial, and to collectively get VERY ANGRY with their ministers."
I agree. I feel like shaking some sense into single Christian women sometimes. They are told by their church leader that they must not date any man that is not a church-going, committed Christian. Then when they wonder where the these men are, they are told to "wait on the Lord". And they accept this! As if it is the Lord's fault that Pastors are scared of outreaching to men in the world, preferring to let the women in the church put on women's and children's minstries instead! They are just like the Pharisees that Jesus scolded. Putting a heavy burden on the single women's shoulders (sacrificing being a wife and mother), and refusing to lift a finger to help.
"Anger is not sinful. Anger is crucial for dealing with a thorn in the flesh or indeed any pain or injustice."
I agree. Anger is unfairly given a bad press by Christians. Anger is a Godly motivator to bring about change and to fight injustice.
"There needs to be some kind of national Christian forum to deal with this issue, and we need to actually work to invite as many Christian leaders as we can, and have questionnaires, asking them exactly what they know about the single Christian men in their own congregations."
They won't come! Honestly, at the moment anyway, they won't. Nice idea though, but I do believe the first step is prayer for the scales to be removed from their eyes. Otherwise...well, they just won't come! If you don't believe me, try having a discussion about this whole area with a few church leaders yourself. See what response you get. I think along with prayer for the scales to be removed from their eyes, it is the sinlge women that will need to bring about this change themselves. They need to go out into the world and start dating non church-going men and bring them into the fold.
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