The Streets: Never went to church

Captain Sensible writes: I haven't ever done this before (but now that this blog is 1 year old, I may start doing it more regularly!), but I am going to repost the link to the song, "Never went to church".
I couldn't get it out of my head today, and in the light of my previous post, well, it just seems appropriate.
I am going to add the lyrics this time. Please, if anyone is put off by the first line, or if it's just "not your thing", still listen to it. I really think he has something important to say to us as "the church".
What are we really doing to reach out to guys like him?
(Incidentally, it is also a great testimony to fatherhood, and I love it for that too.)
Enjoy -- and weep.

The Streets - Never went to church

Never Went To Church

Two great European narcotics:
Alcohol and Christianity.
I know which one I prefer.

We never went to church,
Just get on with work, and sometimes things'll hurt,
But it's hit me since you left us,
And it's so hard not to search.

If you were still about,
I'd ask you what I'm supposed to do now?
I just get grubbin' scared,
Every now,
Hope I made you proud.

On your birthday when mom passed the forks and spoons,
I put my head on the table, I was so distraught with you.
You tidied your things into the bin,
The more poorly you grew,
So there's nothing of yours to hold, or to talk to.

You put your hand up and interrupt the conversation with a "But..",
People say I interrupt people with the same look.
Sometimes I think so hard I can't remember how your face looked,
Started reading about dreams in your favourite book.

Panic and pace when I can't see the right thing to do.
You'd be scratching your head through the best advice you knew.
And I feel sad I can't hear you reciting it through,
I miss you Dad, but I've got nothing to remind me of you

[Chorus]

I needed a break when your book about dreams was taken,
I needed to pray or see a priest that day.
I needed to leave this trade and just heave it away,
But I cleaned up my place, like you, so I could see things straight.

I never cared about God when life was sailin' in the calm,
So I said I'd get my head down, and I'd deal with the ache in my heart.
And for that, if God exists, I'd reckon He'd pay me regard.
Mom says me and you are the same from the start.

I guess then you did leave me something to remind me of you.
Everytime I interrupt someone like you used to.
When I do something like you, you'll be on my mind or through,
'Cause I forgot, you left me behind to remind me of you.

[Chorus x2]

But you you still tell me how you didn't know what to do even now,
And then I'm not so scared somehow,
'Cause I know that you'd be proud.

I got a good one for you Dad,
I'm gonna see a priest, a Rabbi and a Protestant clergyman,
You always said I should hedge my bets...

Vacancy for a Youth Pastor and Children's Ministry Worker! And another one! And another! And....!

Captain Sensible writes: The job vacancy pages of Christianity magazine in November again reveal a very worrying picture of the church in the UK today. We know there is a desperate need for more men in the church. So you would think that every church would be seeking to focus on outreach to men, and if they can afford it, advertise for a full-time men's ministry worker. You'd think that, wouldn't you? So why is it, yet again, that the November issue is full of advertisements for youth pastors and children's ministry workers? Here is a list of the job titles that feature in the pages of the magazine, in the order in which they appear, highlighting the vacancies aimed at youth and children's ministries in bold (and bear in mind that Christianity magazine is aimed at the whole church, not specifically youth and children's ministries!):

Children's Team Leader
Youth and Children's Worker
Qualified Youth Worker
Youth and Children's Worker
IT Manager
Children's Worker
Quality People Wanted (this is a sales role in a Christian company)
Christian Service (various roles at outdoor centre)
Schools Worker
Lay Worker (Pastor)
Lead Youth Worker
Youth Worker
Resident Couple
Youth Development Worker
Youth Pastor
Accommodation Officer (Students Club)
Youth Worker
Children's Pastor
Youth Pastor
Youth Worker
Youth Ministry Leader
Youth Worker
Children's and Youth Worker
Buildings Manager
Youth Worker
Children's Worker
Children's Church Pastor
Children's Worker
Children's and Young People's Development Worker
Youth Worker
Church Resource - Senior Manager (youth organisation)
Film Team Leader (youth organisation)
Assistant Manager and Team Member (conference centre)
Youth Minister
Pastor
Director of Youth Ministry
Youth Pastor
Fusion Worker (youth ministry)
Youth Worker
Youth Worker
Director of Youth and Student Ministries
Sales Representative
Youth Worker
Children's Director
Youth Worker
Youth and Community Worker

What does this say to you about the primary focus of the church in the UK at the moment? And is it the correct focus? Did we see the early church focusing primarily on outreach to children and youth? Did we see them neglecting to outreach to grown men? Rather, didn't they outreach to men and then instruct those men to tell their whole household? Do church leaders know that if a man is led to Christ, then in 93% of cases, he does bring his whole family too? Can any children's or youth ministry, no matter how good, substitute for having a Christian father at home? Are there new families waiting to be born by bringing more single men into the church? Wouldn't the church body as a whole be stronger for having an appropriate ratio of men in it? Will we one day have to give an account of why we neglected to reach out to generations of men? What am I missing?

Christianity magazine: A glimmer of hope?

Captain Sensible writes: I was encouraged by a letter in the November issue of Christianity magazine, particularly as it received top billing.
The letter begins:

"I had mixed feelings as I read the various letters that have appeared in Feedback recently regarding Christian singles and the church. Dare I believe that at last the murmurings of many singles over the years are at last being picked up by others?"

She describes herself as a single woman in her late 30s, and goes on to say:

"Some of the women I know have given up all hope of ever finding a Christian husband and have found Christian dating sites to be ineffective. Some are choosing to turn to non-Christian sites as they are finding partners who are genuinely interested in them and developing real relationships. When are Christian leaders going to wake up to this epidemic of a problem? What exactly are they teaching you at theological colleges? These are real life issues and have been for many years. We shouldn't be surprised if more disillusioned ladies begin a search for husbands within a secular setting.

"I wonder how many of you would make it through a year celibate and home alone?"

Interesting stuff, and that challenge to church leaders is superb! The only issue I have with what I have highlighted from the letter, is that she doesn't make a distinction between believers and unbelievers in the secular world. If the women are finding real relationships with believers that feel excluded from "church" (something I am seeing more and more of myself) then that is to be celebrated. If however they are finding relationships with unbelievers, then that is a problem that the church leaders must deal with. And how should they deal with it? NOT by telling the women to be content and wait on the Lord, that's for sure! They should be shifting their primary focus to outreach to men, and in the meantime help and pray for the women as they navigate the secular dating world, so that they can find believing men and help shepherd these men into the fold.
It really isn't rocket science -- is it?

Tony Campolo on healing

Captain Sensible writes: Does God heal today, and if so, why are some people healed and not others? It's a question that I am at a loss to answer other than with words that seem hopelessly inadequate. That's why I was particularly interested to come across Tony Campolo's take on it - a man I have a lot of respect and admiration for. I think it also applies to healing the pain of singleness and a broken heart.
Here are some extracts, but you can read the whole thing here.

"A widowed mother of six had breast cancer. In the months preceding her death, the members of her church held weekly prayer meetings, begging God to heal her. Twice, all night prayer vigils were held on her behalf, but she wasn’t healed.

"In the face of such a tragedy, you can always count on some well-meaning person to quote Romans 8:28--"all things work together for good"--and to say that the tragedy is something we just have to accept as part of God’s wonderful plan for us. As if that were not enough, they'll imply that God caused what we think is a tragedy in order to achieve some greater good that we, in our limited understanding, just cannot comprehend.

"I don’t buy this kind of talk. To make God the author of sickness and death is to transform God into someone who is difficult to love.

"In a church where I once served, there was a man whose son died of leukemia. The man stopped coming to church. I went to visit him and told him not to stop believing in God because of what had happened. The man responded, 'Oh, I still believe in God. The reason I gave up on church isn’t because I don’t believe in God, it is because I hate him. He could have cured my boy and I begged him to do that and he did nothing…so I hate him.'

"I tried to tell this man that God does not cause sickness and death. I told him that God is constantly struggling to abolish both, and that someday, God will--but that time is not yet.

"That did not help. What did help was this: I told the man that when his son died, God was the first one who cried.

"Those who cite Romans 8:28 in the face of such tragedies need to know that the verse does not say "all things work together for good," even though it reads that way in the King James Version. A more accurate translation of the Greek New Testament reads, "In the midst of everything that is happening, God is at work cooperating with those who love Him, to bring about good." Big difference!"

"In James 5:14 we read that elders of the church should pray over the sick and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. I wish every church would set aside one evening a week to make that kind of healing ministry available. The elders or deacons in churches should put a sign outside the church that publicizes the date and time for the healing services-and announces in bold letters that non-members are especially welcome."

Captain Sensible adds: Unlike most Christians, Tony Campolo is not afraid of unbelievers, or of fragile believers. I particularly like his idea of putting up a sign announcing an open healing evening. The church down the end of my road keeps putting signs up warning passers by that they are going to hell. People give the building a wide berth! I wish they would adopt Tony Campolo's suggestion instead. I also particularly appreciated his better translation of Romans 8:28: "In the midst of everything that is happening, God is at work cooperating with those who love Him, to bring about good." In relation to singleness, we must stop telling people to battle their discontent and how it is God's will and perfect plan for their lives. We must instead battle the causes of it, cooperating with God to bring about an end to protracted singleness. Read the rest of the article here.

"The sadness, despair, aggravation, torture, frustration and numbness of being single"

Captain Sensible writes: Does the above quote sound like a description of a "gift" from God to you?
(The quote is taken from a comment I received this morning, and which I have posted here.)
Nuff said.

Frederika Mathewes-Green: A call for MORE teen pregnancies!

Captain Sensible writes: Many thanks to my very good friend who sent in the link to another of Mathewes-Green's articles: "Let's have more teen pregnancies".
She is spot on, and although the concept of "teen pregnancies" raises alarm bells at first, really it shouldn't. It is unwed teen pregnancies that are the problem.
She makes many good points, among them:

1) How we are hardwired to want sex, not go on an abstinence marathon.
2) How a woman's body is designed to have children most healthily in her youth (and men too, we now understand).
3) How having children young means benefits throughout the generations, with young and active grandparents, great-grand grandparents etc. and so eliminating a lonely old age and benefiting the younger generation with years of experienced wisdom and love.

But one thing that struck me as a highly original thought was this:

"A pattern of late marriage may actually increase the rate of divorce. During that initial decade of physical adulthood, young people may not be getting married, but they're still falling in love. They fall in love, and break up, and undergo terrible pain, but find that with time they get over it. They may do this many times. Gradually, they get used to it; they learn that they can give their hearts away, and take them back again; they learn to shield their hearts from access in the first place. They learn to approach a relationship with the goal of getting what they want, and keep their bags packed by the door. By the time they marry they may have had many opportunities to learn how to walk away from a promise. They've been training for divorce."

There are far too many good points for me to even know where to start by pulling-out a few more extracts.
So please, please, read the article in its entirety here.
We really need to start being truly Biblical and counter cultural.
And sadly, in our generation, that means being counter church cultural too.

Frederica Mathewes Green: "Men and Church", investigating "Vanishing Male Syndrome"!

Captain Senisble writes: Many thanks to the reader that sent in the link to this very interesting article Men and Church. It begins: "In a time when churches of every description are faced with Vanishing Male Syndrome, men are showing up at Eastern Orthodox churches in numbers that, if not numerically impressive, are proportionately intriguing. This may be the only church which attracts and holds men in numbers equal to women...Rather than guess why this is, I emailed a hundred Orthodox men, most of whom joined the Church as adults. What do they think makes this church particularly attractive to men? Their responses, below, may spark some ideas for leaders in other churches, who are looking for ways to keep guys in the pews."

The responses are very revealing, in particular those that relate directly to our Lord Jesus Christ:

'What draws men to Orthodoxy is not simply that it’s challenging or mysterious. What draws them is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the center of everything the Church does or says.
'In contrast to some other churches, “Orthodoxy offers a robust Jesus”...One contrasted this “robust” quality with “the feminized pictures of Jesus I grew up with…I’ve never had a male friend who would not have expended serious effort to avoid meeting someone who looked like that.” Though drawn to Jesus Christ as a teen, “I felt ashamed of this attraction, as if it were something a red-blooded American boy shouldn’t take that seriously, almost akin to playing with dolls.”
'A priest writes: “Christ in Orthodoxy is a militant, butt-kicking Jesus who takes Hell captive. Orthodox Jesus came to cast fire on the earth. (Males can relate to butt-kicking and fire-casting.) In Holy Baptism we pray for the newly-enlisted warriors of Christ, male and female, that they may ‘be kept ever warriors invincible.’
'After several years in Orthodoxy, one man found a service of Christmas carols in a Protestant church “shocking, even appalling.” Compared to the Orthodox hymns of Christ’s Nativity, "‘the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay’ has almost nothing to do with the Eternal Logos entering irrevocably, inexorably, kenotically, silently yet heroically, into the fabric of created reality.”'

Read the rest here.

Wise Tory politicians? Surely not! (Ahem!)

Captain Sensible writes: Boris Johnson MP has never been afraid of controversy. But he really is taking a risk with some of his latest comments about...wait for it..."the lack of marriageable men" in our society! (And if he thinks the situation is bad in our society, I dread to think what he would have to say about the Christian community! Maybe if he succeeds in becoming Mayor of London, he will get the opportunity to find out!).
Here are a few quotes from his recent comments: (But Christian women, don't despair! There are still a lot of marriage-minded believers out there in the world that would love to find a woman like you!)

"The other day, I was giving a lift to a group of 14-year-old girls and, as we waited at the traffic lights, I became dimly aware of something remarkable about their conversation. They were all bright sparks, in the process of being coached up by their schools to become captains of industry, Members of Parliament and all the rest of it. But as I inclined my ear, I realised that they weren't discussing their dotcoms; they weren't preparing for the time when they would be joining each other on the pages of Fortune magazine or Business Week. No, they were discussing marriage. They were planning their wedding days, down to the last sugared almond and the exact cut of their dresses."

"For a moment, I toyed with proposing some kind of marriage seekers' allowance, to give succour and encouragement to those girls who were finding it hard to find any man at all...maybe their plight and their effort should be recognised by the state."

"The single most important thing we can do to encourage marriage is to increase the supply of marriageable men."

"We won't begin to reverse the decline in marriage unless we address the crisis in masculinity."

"Knuckleheaded Christian leaders"? Surely not! (Ahem!)

Captain Sensible writes: There are a number of very good comments on Debbie Maken's blog at the moment. I particularly appreciate this comment by a reader called Paul (and how refreshing it is to see a Christian man writing about the evils of protracted singleness!), so I have reposted it here:


Amir said: "...Actually, the Church undermines its own [otherwise correct] position with respect to reserving the sexual act for marriage.

They do this by encouraging late marriage, and discouraging singles--who express the need for a spouse--from finding mates."

Bingo.

Our Christian leaders just can't seem to understand how this phenomenon of widespread, protracted singleness affects the morality of the Body of Christ.

I remember listening to an interview with Tim LaHaye several years ago in which he was discussing the declining moral condition in the Church - with men hooked on porn, women having abortions, rampant adultery and pre-marital sex. LaHaye attributed much of the problem to the fact that we have so many more unmarried people in our churches than we did a generation or two ago.

He then said something to the effect of, "It's fine to preach abstinence and True Love Waits to our kids when they're teens, but we also need to start encouraging them to get married much younger than what the culture at large is saying." It was so refreshing to hear a Christian leader who actually "gets it" on this issue, yet it was also sad because there are so few of them.

It irritates me to no end whenever I hear some preacher who got married while he was still in Bible College acting like it's no big deal for the singles in his congregation to remain celibate for decades while they wait for the Lord to bring them "the person He has for you." The odds are, if that preacher ever lost his wife, or if she ran off and left him, he'd start searching high and low for another woman and would probably be remarried within two years.

The Body is already in a moral free-fall as it is due to the influence of our Godless culture, and then we have knuckleheaded Christian leaders telling our young people not to get married until they're in their late-20's, at the very earliest.

I guess it comes back to something else Amir said - many of them just don't know how to deal with this issue, so they just fall back on the clichés they've heard a thousand times.

Did you go to church this morning?

Or were you the church this week?


Never went to church - The Streets

Be discontent about injustice!

"And in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplied, there arose a murmuring of the Grecians against the Hebrews, because their widows were neglected in the daily ministration.
Then the twelve called the multitude of the disciples unto them, and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables.
Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business.
But we will give ourselves continually to prayer, and to the ministry of the word.
And the saying pleased the whole multitude: and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Ghost, and Philip, and Prochorus, and Nicanor, and Timon, and Parmenas, and Nicolas a proselyte of Antioch:
Whom they set before the apostles: and when they had prayed, they laid their hands on them.
And the word of God increased; and the number of the disciples multiplied in Jerusalem greatly; and a great company of the priests were obedient to the faith.
And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people."
(Acts 4: 1-8)

Captain Sensible writes: Continuing the theme of contentment, never must Christians "be content" with an unjust situation that they can do something about themselves. Yes, pray. But also God has designed us with a body and a brain to actually do something about injustices ourselves.
I think the above passage has several vitally important things to say to us.

1) Note there was a legitimate complaint. The Greek widows were being unfairly treated and not receiving their fair share of the provisions. So did the apostles tell them that they should "be content"? After all, Paul was content even when hungry, right? Of course not. These widows were not imprisoned, nor was there a famine. There was no need to be content with injustice from within the church! They did not scold the Greek widows over a lack of contentment! Rather they decided action must be taken.

2) But then the question arose, who should take charge of seeing that justice was done? They decided that it wouldn't be right for them to "serve tables" and neglect the spreading of the word of God. Instead they called all the disciples together, and told them to choose seven men of "honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom". There are some important lessons here:

3) How much time do church leaders spend doing the equivalent of "serving tables", instead of their primary focus - spreading the word? I think the answer is far too much! That way they busy themselves without actually having to come into contact with unbelievers - something that one leader at least had the honesty to admit to me actually scares him! Far easier for them to get involved in church building meetings and meetings with other church leaders, and generally ensure that they are not guilty of idleness yet are able to neglect their primary role: reaching out to the men in the world.

4) Notice that seven men were to be "appointed" over this ministry. Not women. Men. Even though it was a "women's ministry" no less! Also note, there was no "waiting on the Lord to place it on their hearts". Nope, the job needed doing. Men were appointed to do it.

5) These were not just any men. They were qualified for the task. Namely, of "honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom". Wisdom? Is that a qualification of leadership? Not if you look around at the men (and women!) being offered leadership roles today! It's quite breathtaking really to see the quality of those being offered leadership positions within our churches and local ministries these days. Sadly, it is not much of an exaggeration to say that a lack of wisdom, disbelief in the Bible, an ungodly lifestyle and a pattern of repeated sexual immorality, appear to be the necessary qualifications for a leadership role.

6) Perhaps there are some small churches where they cannot summon seven men that fit the godly criteria? In the UK, that is perfectly possible. However, in most cases that is not the real problem. There are at least seven godly men in most congregations. The problem is, they are never asked to help! Instead, their wives (and of course the godly men - unless very young - are always married) seem to take over. This must not be allowed to happen. The role of a wife is primarily to help her husband. She should be encouraging him, not taking over his role within the church.

7) Finally, how does all this apply to the problem that we face in our churches regarding singleness?

Proposed solution

a) Church leaders need to appoint "seven" men (relative to the size of the church) whose primary goal is to ensure that single Christian women get married. The first thing they need to do is disciple the single men in the congregation very closely to discover why they are not married and get to the root cause of the problem. Has it come about from bad theology? Is it demonic oppression? A result of past hurts? Generational sin? (Which may manifest itself in the divorce of their parents that has given them an unhealthy view of marriage.) Sins of the flesh? Or, most probably, is it a combination of the above? Whatever it is, it is their job to minister God's healing deliverance so the men are free and able to seek a wife.

b) Secondly, they should liaise with other churches, starting in their own area, to see if there are ways in which they can bring the single men and women together. This may involve initiating a regular programme of social activities, but crucially, the men will be closely monitored to see that they don't become habitual attendees that never seem to find a woman to marry! Again, the root of the problem must be addressed if that is happening.

c) There are some single men and women who may need a little extra help. They may be particularly shy or awkward socially, and here the ministry team can take things a little further and actually set up possible matches, as the chances are they would not manage this on their own. What a worthwhile ministry to be a part of!

d) Men's outreach must be made a priority generally, as the current situation is such that even if every single Christian man in our churches was handed a wife on a plate (and some of them seem to expect God to do this!) there will still be some women left single and barren. This is unacceptable. So the singles ministry team of men should liaise closely with the men's outreach team (which of course no church must be without!!!) and not be afraid of inviting the men they are outreaching to, to the singles' socials. Of course, this is a major hurdle for most Christians. But this is one area where I think we all need to take a leap of faith. The men that make up the Body of Christ are out there. We should not be afraid of introducing a believing man who is "unchurched" to our single women. The love of a good woman is a mightily powerful thing! And we simply cannot continue neglecting to outreach to a whole generation of men. That's inexcusable on any level.

So there we have it...I really think we need to start the ball rolling now.

Singleness "contentment" and "gratitude". Debbie Maken clears the air - again!

Captain Sensible writes: I am loving Debbie Maken's clear thinking that drives through the muddy, unholy mess we have got ourselves into regarding singleness and marriage! How the enemy must be delighted to see Christian singles beat themselves up over whether they are "content" enough, or "grateful" enough, instead of getting on with the goldy business of getting married, having a family, and being the salt and light the world so desperately needs! Here is her latest comment on her blog that addresses these matters. (I particularly love this: "gee, I wasn't content, but I think I was thankful...no, no, no, I was definitely happy, but I guess I could be a little more grateful...I voiced a legitimate complaint over my singleness, but was it biblically said, and if it wasn't, did I just shoot myself in the foot...") Her advice at the end is spot on. The only thing I would add is to face the reality of the lack of men in church circles (and the negative impact this also has on the few single men in church circles) and for single Christian women to understand that they need to seek out the believers in the world that are missing from our churches. They are out there! It's time to bring in the harvest!

"May I suggest that neither the word "contentment" nor the word "gratitude" should be used in this context whatsoever. It is problematic in not only what is conveyed, but what is heard, received and processed. I do not think singles need to be any more "content" with their state than a married individual, or a starving individual, or a sick individual, or a toddler who did not get her way today. Neither is the single required to show more "gratitude" than others. Gratefulness/thankfulness is required by all of God's people for all that He has done. Contentment has to have an object, that is, the Lord, and is not tied to one's circumstance. Therefore, in a sense, both the terms "contentment" and "gratitude" are superfluous in the singleness discussion. Because both of these concepts are neutral in their application to ALL of the body, why even bother to parse words and come up with different ways singles need to constantly self-evaluate-- "gee, I wasn't content, but I think I was thanful. ... no, no, no, I was definitely happy, but I guess I could be a little more grateful . . . I voiced a legitimate complaint over my singleness, but was it biblically said, and if it wasn't, did I just shoot myself in the foot . . . ." Singles already put themselves through enough spiritual hoops and hurdles self-examining the most microscopic spiritual deficiency as to why they are not married, must we do more to add to the confusion. There simply is no reason for singles to receive the brunt of the selective application of these concepts.

"As a lawyer, and often as a judicial clerk, my function has often been to foresee the confusion/damage that certain language can cause. Most of the singleness confusion can be directly traced back to a very convenient and fractured understanding of I Corinthians 7, apart from the rest of Scripture as a whole. But if that were not devastating enough, we have developed another layer of bad, bad subdoctrines like "idolatry of marriage," "contentment," "seeking the kingdom (i.e. through anything but marriage apparently), etc." In the present light, I believe that any repetitious interjection of words like "contentment," or "gratefulness," operate in the same fashion to often reduce singles into this kind of if ... then type of thinking toward marriage. Just like sloppy judicial writing, our Christianese and peculiar insistence of these terms being in a single person's glossary are likely going to be the subject of future misinterpretation.

"You both are good solid Christian singles, don't do any more disservice to yourselves or your fellow Christians by remaining on this road of hyper-spiritualization to and of marriage. The average Christian single needs to examine why they are repeatedly failing in the dating game, and either jumping ship to try another route with more predictable mechanisms, or shoring up in some practical areas to be more marriageable."

There is a "gift of singleness" after all! (But it doesn't mean unmarried and barren!)

"I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them."
(Jeremiah 32: 39 NIV)

Ageing fathers (35+) risk the health of their offspring

Captain Sensible writes: Many thanks to the reader that highlighted this article which reveals the health risks associated with ageing fathers (eg. age 35).
We are well accustomed to the health risks of an ageing mother (another reality of God's design that is ignored by the "wait on the Lord" brigade).
But here, some startling research reveals the extent of the health risks to the child of a man who is no longer youthful.
It shouldn't be a surprise. The Bible tells us that the best time to marry is in our youth. We ignore that at our peril.
This should be a wake-up call to all men who suppose that they will get married and have children "one day", and are meanwhile running scared of commitment, preferring an unchallenging, half-life of continued "adultlescence", luxuriating in the devil's lie that they can take as much time as they like and still have a family of their own.
Bad news, boys. The male biological clock is ticking too...
Here are some extracts:

"Not only does male fertility decrease decade by decade, especially after age 35, but aging sperm can be a significant and sometimes the only cause of severe health and developmental problems in offspring, including autism, schizophrenia, and cancer. The older the father, the higher the risk. But what's truly noteworthy is not that infertility increases with age —to some degree, we've known that all along —but rather that older men who can still conceive may have such damaged sperm that they put their offspring at risk for many types of disorders and disabilities."

"Men thought they were getting off scot free, and they weren't. The birth defects caused by male aging are significant conditions that can cause a burden to families and society...We now know that men and women alike could be increasing the risk of infertility or birth defects by waiting too long to have children."

"In other words, by looking for perfection in your life before you conceive, there's a very real chance you'll have less perfect kids."

"...men 40 and older are nearly six times more likely to have offspring with autism than men under age 30. Other research shows that the risk of breast and prostate cancer in offspring increases with paternal age."

"Scientists have long known that advanced paternal age...played some role in fertility problems and birth defects. Yet because the reports mainly involved children who died before birth or who had extremely rare disorders, no one really rang the alarm. Now, with new studies linking the father's age to relatively frequent, serious conditions like autism, schizophrenia, and Down syndrome, the landscape is shifting."

"Women have unfairly borne the brunt of the blame for birth defects."

"The more ejaculations a man produces, the greater the chance for chinks to arise, leading to increased point mutation and thus increased infertility and birth defects."

Debbie Maken reveals the truth about the gift of singleness: "holy doublespeak/theologized serendipity"

"Excellent point about the Jewish community's extensive network to pair young adults. But these kind of social networks only exist because that culture still holds the value that an individual should be married by a certain time. For example, Orthodox Jewish families pull out all stops when a child reaches 25; that matchmaker is called in pronto. As Christians, we no longer have those values and believe that a marriage, if and whenever, erected is a good viable marriage as any other. Christians do not believe in any normatives about marriage making thanks to the GoS ("gift of singleness") teachings; and hence, we do not have the infrastructure toward that goal. All we have is this holy doublespeak/ theologized serendipity to justify and explain away the many, many loose ends from an unpredictable mating scheme of dating. You will see the infrastructure changing as you see the dialogue ensuing about what constitutes a real marriage, and whether it needs to occur during a certain season (i.e. youth) to have viability as a real marriage."
(Debbie Maken's reply to a comment on her blog)

Childlessness - Not just a female curse

'..."Record this man as if childless, a man who will not prosper in his lifetime..."'
(Jeremiah 22: 30)

"How to talk to a widower" by Jonathan Tropper

Captain Sensible writes: I previously said that the article I linked to in my last post was excellent, but inadequately short! Maybe there is something there that is deeper than I previously realised? "But some loves must die, if they are not from God they are not really loves anyway."
Just my opinion, but I think love is in essence a connection. With unrequited love, perhaps it boils down to one person feeling a connection that actually isn't really there?
Two things come to mind, having just read the most amazing book, "How to talk to a widower" by Jonathan Tropper. It's fabulous - funny, poignant, insightful, hilarious and everyone must read it immediately!
A refrain that runs through it is: "I had a wife. Her name was Hailey. Now she's gone. And so am I."
It charts the course of the greiving and healing process in a very honest, raw and tragi/comic vein, and will have you in tears that alternate between laughter and loss.
But one thing it brought to mind is that death causes loss where there was a very real connection.
Unrequited love however brings about a loss where there actually maybe wasn't a connection? Something that is described I think in the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something.
Something to think about perhaps?

Unrequited love, singleness and hell - Yes there is a connection!

Captain Sensible writes: Excellent article here that I discovered while looking into this subject.
Here's just one line: "As the unity of man and woman in one flesh mirrors the image and likeness of God, so too the separation of man from woman conjures the cruelty and fragmentation of Hell." And another: "Unrequited love feels like death. In fact, there are times when death would seem preferable to the unrelenting pain and frustration. There are those, even in the Church, who would seek to minimize or make light of this most unique agony: “Oh, don’t worry about it! Women (or men) are like street cars, there’s another one along any minute!” Like Hell. I don’t think there is any other pain quite like that of unrequited love, especially when rejection is involved, although that might even be preferable to being strung along with hopes raised and dashed with punishing regularity. 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a wish fulfilled is the tree of life.' (Proverbs 13:12)"
Hmm - who'd have thought it? The article seems a little inadequately short.
But maybe sometimes knowing God understands is enough?

God, unrequited love, Christian women and singleness...

Captain Sensible writes: Following on from the last post, here are a few thoughts about the pain of unrequited love and protracted singleness.
The first thing to say is, is it any wonder that the pain of unrequited love is so deep, when you consider this:
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned."
(Song of Songs: 7: 6-7)
I remember the words of a very wise man - although not a Christian (why is it that wisdom on this issue seems almost exclusively the preserve of non-believers or weak believers?) - whose wife had left him, describe the pain as being worse than if she had died. The loss is the same, but at least you don't have the rejection to deal with. And the thought that they are merrily getting on with their life, possibly even enjoying a new love.
We literally are playing with fire when we embark on "the dating game".
For a Christian woman of course the situation is compounded because she is not allowed to feel the pain of a lost love or singleness, but must "be content" and if she is approaching the end of her child-bearing years too because she has been wrongly advised to "wait on the Lord" for a husband, well...is it any wonder that single Christian women that are no longer young, are also leaving the church now? (Incidentally, this being content business has really been misunderstood in my opinion. Do we tell people that are starving that they should be content with their hunger? It's unthinkable! Likewise, we absolutely must NOT be content with a bad situation that we can do something about!)
I am not quite sure what the answer is really.
The best conclusions that can be drawn are, I think, the following:

If a single Christian woman reaches the age of 25 without a husband, she should begin looking outside of "church circles" for a believing man in the world. A man who has been alienated by wrong perceptions of "church", and which, in their wisdom, church leaders have not bothered much to put right for a whole generation of men (and women too incidentally, but the urgency is for men). This doesn't mean excluding the single men in church circles! But rather, not putting all your eggs in one basket! ;-)

She should not abandon the church corporate, but take a lot of what she is told about singleness with a very large pinch of salt. I would suggest that she doesn't say too much about how she is feeling, because she will just get a contentment lecture and won't be taken seriously. Instead say a little, and then primarily encourage leaders to read Debbie Maken's book, and also contact Christian Vision for Men to let that movement and the statistics they have provided, convince them of the need to outreach for men. But remember not to get frustrated! God has revealed there are scales over eyes on this issue, and they can only be removed through the spiritual - pray, pray, pray!

As far as how she conducts herself when out meeting men in the world, sexual purity is non-negotiable. And guess what? Most decent men will respect that. Shock horror, I know, as we are given the impression that men in the world will just want to go to bed with her. Yes, some will. She needs to be very firm on that score and if it means losing the relationship, that's a good thing. (Incidentally, it's worth remembering there are Christian men like this too!)

Another fallacy is that if she mentions that she would quite like to get married and have children, men will run a mile! Again, some will. Good riddance. But most men in the world, over about the age of 30 I would say, actually want the same thing themselves, and they find it refreshing to hear a woman say that's what she wants too. Refreshing not because women in the world don't want it. They do too, of course. It's how God made women! But they are too scared to admit it. Of course it mustn't be done in a needy, desperate way. (And if she is still young, there is no need for desperation anyway! That's another benefit to starting this new tactic in your mid-20s.) One possible opener is when discussing jobs. One might ask the other in conversation about what their ambition is, or where they would like to see themselves in five years' time. (Almost all job interviews ask something along these lines, so most men won't be floored by it!) That is then a good opportunity to give your career goals...and then add with a smile that really, you would actually quite like to be married and have a family too! That's all that needs to be said, nothing too heavy! I know of one woman who was at a secular singles party and said that to a guy. He hesitated for a moment and began looking around the party as if searching for something to change with subject with. Then about two minutes later (the shock of a woman saying this may make men gulp slightly!) he asked her if she had eaten because he was hungry and how would she feel about getting out of there and going for a meal instead? He paid too - a demonstration of how seriously he took his role as a man. (Not that money is the issue here. He could have suggested some ice cream, going for a coffee and some cake... It's the principle that matters. He wanted to get her out of there, and keep her to himself!)

As far as evangelising goes, I would suggest subtlety is the name of the game. Don't go on a mission to save the lost! That's too dangerous when emotions are entangled, and there is really no need when actually the number of men that are atheists or of other faiths in the western world are so small. No, choose the men that are believers, but are just not church goers. It's very easy to bring the subject up. Just say something along the lines of so, do you believe there is a spiritual side to life, or is this all there is then? That's usually a good opener that won't send anyone fleeing! It's appalling, but the perception of "Christianity" is so shockingly poor, that I wouldn't even suggest mentioning it up front. Too many people associate "Christianity" with a form of ungodly "churchianity" and that's dreadful. Talking instead about the "spiritual" will allow him to open up about his beliefs regarding God, without letting all the negatives associated with "church" get in the way! (Don't get me wrong here! I am not advocating dating a "spiritualist"! That is UTTERLY and COMPLETELY dangerous! I am just merely saying that mentioning the "spiritual" rather than the "religious" or "Christianity" is a way of finding out more. Oh I so hope and pray no one reading this misunderstands this! If in any doubt, and in need of clarification, please let me know!) I also don't believe it is being ashamed of the Gospel. Rather, it is being ashamed of "church" and what we have done to it, and we should rightfully be ashamed of that, in my view. In some ways, it reminds me of Paul when in Athens. (Acts 17: 22-34) You start on common ground, and then take it from there. Some sneered. Others wanted to find out more. But unlike Paul, I don't think this should all be done the first time you meet! What can (and must) be established early on is whether there is a faith that you can work with, or more accurately, that God can use you to work with. A faith of some sort in God - OUR God! Then let your faith show gradually - primarily through your actions and attitudes, before any so-called "Bible bashing"!

I hope some of this is helpful and I sincerely hope none of it is harmful. I pray that God will let these words fall uselessly to the ground if they are not right.

Debbie Maken: The Hurt of Protracted Singleness

"Protracted singleness is perhaps one of the most hurtful things a single person will have to tolerate during adulthood."
(Debbie Maken "Getting Serious About Getting Married - Rethinking the gift of singleness")

The Contentment of Bachelors...

"I was perfectly content with this easygoing life, making my own hours, hanging out with my buddies, falling in and out of love, and basically waiting for life to begin. Sure, I got lonely sometimes, sunny-Sunday-afternoon lonely, but until I met Hailey, I just never knew what I might be missing."
Extract from How to Talk to a Widower by Jonathan Tropper.

"Your faith has healed you"

Captain Sensible writes: Excellent article by Candice Watters about the need to pray boldly for marriage. Very refreshing in these days when much wringing of hands and agonising over whether or not marriage is "God's will" for an individual's life, accompanies any prayer for a spouse!
Here are a couple of extracts, but it really is worth reading it all:

When I was single, I used to pray for a husband like this, “Oh God, please don’t make me be single my whole life. I really want to be married. Oh I hope it’s not your will for me to be single. I don’t think I could do it! Please bring someone into my life soon, very soon. But help me to be patient in the meantime. And God, if you do want me to be single — but I hope you don’t — please give me the grace for it because I really don’t feel it. Did I mention how much I hope that’s not your will for me?”
I wish I had read about Bartimaeus back then. It wasn’t until recently that his story, recorded in Mark 10:46-52, leapt off the page.
When Bartimaeus, the blind beggar, heard that Jesus was approaching he shouted, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” The exclamation point emphasizes his volume. In a book known for economy of words and punctuation, it’s clear this was no timid request. Even as the crowd rebuked him, telling him to be quiet, the Bible says “he shouted all the more, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!”
His clamor was rewarded. When Jesus asked Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?” he replied, “Rabbi, I want to see.” He was frank about what he wanted — fully expecting healing. And he knew Jesus had the authority to do it, acknowledging Him as, “Jesus, Son of David.”
And Jesus did. “Immediately he received his sight,” the Bible reports. But it wasn’t his flattery, his neediness, or even his volume that made the difference. As Jesus said, “your faith has healed you.”

...

Suddenly I felt free to really pray. My requests looked totally different than before. No longer weighed down by doubts that what I wanted was good, I asked with confidence:
Lord you created me. And I believe you created me for marriage. I don’t know the timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married.
Then I thanked Him for what I believed He would do:
Thank you Lord for this strong desire you’ve placed in my heart. Thank you that you’ve already been where I’m headed and that you know what my future holds. Thank you for marriage and for my future mate. Please be with him and prepare His heart to do your will.

...

We know God designed us for relational intimacy — when Adam admitted his loneliness, God created Eve. After they were together in the garden, God said, “It is good.” Not long after that, He gave us marriage. It’s not a “social construct” but a gift from God. Some are called to celibate service, and they’re specially gifted to live that out. But the rest of us are called to marriage. Asking God for a mate is asking Him for something He created and called good. For those of us who are called to marriage, it’s nothing short of asking Him to give us what He wants us to have.

Comforting...

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."
(Isaiah 41:10)